Sunday, December 23, 2012

Much needed break

I'm glad that for the next two weeks, I can pretty much do nothing and not worry about school. It's shocking to know that third year is exactly half over with. I'm definitely proud of how I'm doing so far in third year (managed to get honors in all my rotations so far, although I still have surgery, ob/gyn, and psych left) and I would really wanna end third year with all honors, but that's easier said than done.

Right before winter break started, we basically had a week of lectures that kept emphasizing planning for fourth year and applying for residencies...it was stressful to say the least. All these talks about ranking, importance of grades, when to take step 2, etc. got me (and the rest of the class) pretty stressed out. It also motivated me to work harder so that I can get an internal med residency in the city (I'm really hoping for either NYU or Mount Sinai). I've also pretty much decided on IM after eliminating emergency med and anesthesiology from my list. Unless I fall in love with surgery (which I don't see happening) I think IM-->GI is the path for me.

I've also been pretty good about working out on a very consistent basis...but I'm not sure if I'm getting any results! It's sorta upsetting. I'll have to post pictures later and maybe you guys can tell me if there have been any changes since the previous one!

In regards to my dating life, I actually met up with the guy I blogged about before! It was a pretty short hangout because we were both busy with our respective lives, but it was also fun to hangout. The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that our relationship might be heading towards the friends with benefits realm...which is something I wanna avoid. Both times we've hungout, we've ended up hooking up (not going all the way, but pretty much lol). I mean I have no complaints about it cause it was hot (and he's hot) but I wonder if we're just hanging out so that we hook up. Oh well I guess I have to see what the future holds. We told each other that the next time we hangout, it'll be handsoff haha. I wonder how that'll workout.

So yea, for the next two weeks, I'm planning to sleep many hours, hangout with friends, eat tons of food, workout a lot, and do some leisure reading. I'm excited!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Can't believe it's almost December!

So third year is almost halfway done....can't believe it went by so quickly! I'm currently on my emergency medicine rotation, and I thought I would have liked it more than I do. I guess a part of it is getting used to the flow of the emergency room and the fact that we only have 2 weeks on the rotation (8 shifts). It also doesn't help that we have to get an evaluation from an attending/resident every single shift. Why can't I just learn without being evaluated all the time?!

I did get some good news today, ended up getting an honors in my Medicine rotation! I was pleasantly surprised cause that rotation was hard as hell, some residents/attendings gave me average evaluations, and the shelf exam was seriously harder than any exam I had ever taken (I think harder/more random than step 1). I'm still waiting for my ambulatory (primary care) grade, and obviously I'm hoping that I get an honors there too. I guess I'm pretty stoked cause most of my grades in second year were just "pass" and I think my strengths lie in talking to people/interacting with people rather than studying and taking exams that determine my entire grade. I still have 3 more core rotations to go through so let's hope that the momentum carries over.

Since the last time I wrote, I also had a great date with a guy. The only thing is, I have no idea where things are going with him. He actually came over to my place for our first meeting (yea I know, pretty bold) but as soon as we sat down on my couch, it just felt incredibly comfortable, like I've known this guy for much longer. We did end up fooling around a little bit even though I told myself to take things very slow...but I guess we just got caught up in the moment. The thing that sucks is that both our schedules are so busy that we haven't been able to meet up again. We do still talk, but not as much as we used to and I guess I'm just afraid that he's lost interest (cause I sure haven't). I hate getting my hopes up though, and even though I would love to have this guy as my future boyfriend, I know that relationships take a lot more work than just two people liking each other. It also doesn't help that he lives pretty far. Oh well, I guess I'll see how it goes (and prevent myself from getting too attached, which is what usually happens).

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving break! I think I took ~3 naps on thanksgiving day, and it was glorious! I've never slept that much in a long time. It was nice to just relax and enjoy good company with my family while eating great food. Unfortunately, my break got cut short cause they scheduled me to do two ER shifts this past weekend. Sorta sucked cause I had a lot of plans with friends from back home, but what are you gonna do? I've also been hitting the gym a lot more lately. I gave in and started taking creatine cause I feel like I've hit a plateau and haven't been able to gain anymore weight after hitting 150-155 pounds. This is what my body looked like a month ago (warning, another tool picture coming up)-->
Hopefully there will be some changes in a couple of months!

Alright, until the next update!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Sandy, the homewrecker...and other updates (warning, long post)

So as most people across the nation know, the northeast was hit pretty hard by hurricane/tropical storm Sandy. I feel like a lot of people didn't take it too seriously before it hit because there was a lot of hype with hurricane Irene last year..and that wasn't as bad as people thought it would be. Unfortunately, Sandy hit hard, and I feel that a lot of people weren't prepared/expecting it (including myself). I found out late Sunday that my clinical duties for Mon/Tues were cancelled (I'm working in outpatient/primary care at an endocrinology clinic right now) so I was definitely happy cause I still need time to study for the ambulatory and internal med shelfs (standardized exams at the end of rotations). The rain/wind wasn't too bad Sunday night, and Monday morning, I even went to the gym so get a last minute workout in, just in case it wasn't open the following days (and there were actually a lot of people who were at the gym haha). In the afternoon, a few friends came over to study and chill, and at about 4 PM, all the power just went out. I really wasn't prepared because I had one candle, one flashlight, and a ton of (perishable) food in the fridge that I didn't anticipate going bad. I still kept on thinking that the power would come back soon..but it never happened. Turns out, most of LI lost power, the hospital lost power for a short period, which also meant no studying for awhile.

It definitely felt weird being isolated from the outside world with no internet/tv, not knowing really what was going on in the rest of the northeast region. Of course I was pretty antsy all night long, but it felt really good to just not care about anything, and instead, talk to friends and watch movies all night long. I ended up coming back home to queens yesterday cause my parents still had power, and I'm still waiting to see if I have work tomorrow (the clinic still doesn't have power). In the meantime, I'm enjoying some home cooked meals and getting some productive studying in.

The last time I updated, I was still on Internal Medicine (IM). I gotta say..I really enjoyed it. Yea it was a lot of work, and yea there were lots of pimping sessions (where attendings ask students tons of questions and put them on the spot), but I didn't mind it at all. I realized that I really enjoyed IM when I didn't mind staying till 8/9 PM for the shifts. I also realized that I really want to go into gastroenterology. I had a lot of exposure to the field during my rotation and got to see some cool procedures. It's supposed to be a competitive field so I'm trying to get a head start and become involved in some research, which has been hard to do with my third year schedule. One thing that I really hated about IM was the fact that grading seemed so subjective and based on luck. When I would get verbal feedback from my residents/attendings, they would tell me I'm doing a great job and wouldn't really tell me things I should improve on, but in the written evals that count towards my grade, they would only give me a pass or high pass...and some would tell me that they don't give out higher than high passes....Perhaps I'm being too whiny about this, but I know that I want to go into a fairly competitive program in NYC, and I know third year grades matter a lot (basically getting honors). So yea, I guess I just need to rock the hell out of the shelf exam to even have a shot at getting an honors in IM.

In regards to my dating life, it's still been nonexistent. Well not completely. I've been talking to a couple of guys online/texts and we were actually supposed to meet up this week, but due to the hurricane, had to cancel everything. And I guess everyone's priorities revolve around getting power back/cleaning things around/outside the house, so who knows when I'll go on another date. I also met a guy online who ended up coming over to my place (after we talked for weeks)...but I'll have to save that story for another time haha.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Out and Proud? Part II

So a couple of months ago, I wrote a post about my inability to come out at work/rotations because I'm afraid it will affect my grade. I wish I could say that this has changed since then, but it hasn't, and I've actually had a number of experiences where people have just assumed even further that I'm straight.

Today's example actually ticked me off a little bit (actually it ticked me off a lot). This year, our family medicine clerkship got revamped, so instead of a month of family medicine, we have family medicine days one day, every other week, for the entire academic year. They think it'll help with longitudinal relationships with patients (yea..that's not gonna happen).
This also means I'm stuck with one preceptor for the entire year....and to say that I'm having a horrible time with this preceptor is an understatement. I was actually interested in going into family medicine as one of my possible residencies..but this preceptor has deterred me from that decision. I've asked to get placed with another preceptor with no avail (surprise surprise).
The first thing that bothers me about her is the fact that she does not let me see patients on my own before she sees them. It's essentially become like a shadowing program. I'm not learning anything! I've even asked her if I could see the patients first because it's something we're expected to do, but so far, I've only seen one patient on my own (and she interrupted us midway).
The more aggravating thing about her is her unprofessionalism. She always talks to me about patients that irritate her, and of course, I'm not going to say, "please stop being inappropriate" cause she basically determines my entire grade. So I just nod along...
One time, an Indian patient came for a checkup, and afterwards, my preceptor would comment on how much the patient smelled and how she needs to get some air freshener in the room....I mean come on! What kind of physician are you?

Now how does this tie into the whole theme of me not being able to come out at work? Well today, there was a patient who came in cause of an episode of rectal bleeding/blood in his stool that he was worried about. After working up the patient, my preceptor comments on how she forgot to ask him if he's had any anal intercourse. And then she says, to me, "well he seemed like a normal guy so he probably didn't have any. right? he looked like a normal guy, right?". At that moment, I had the urge to say, "so...gay guys aren't normal??" but again, I had to refrain myself, telling myself that this woman will determine my entire grade. Damnit.

Afterwards I began to wonder if she would have said that if she knew that I was gay. I'm tempted to go in in 2 weeks and wear very flamboyant clothing and just show her how gay and fabulous I am...but that's not me and I don't think it's right for her to assume that I'm straight in the first place. Actually, it's not right for her to think that straight sex = normal and gay sex = abnormal. Man, I thought doctors were supposed to be educated!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

My obsession with trashy TV

Shane Meaney from BB14
I don't have too much time to watch TV, but when I do, I definitely admit to watching not so greatly reviewed TV.....meaning most of them are reality TV shows haha. Just thought I would write a light-hearted post about some of the shows I've been watching.

I've actually never watched a full season of Big Brother, and I couldn't watch the entire season this time around too, but one of the reasons why I've tuned into a number of episodes is because of this guy right here....--> Don't let the pink tank top fool you, he's straight. But he is definitely my type in terms of how he looks and just his competitiveness/masculinity (real men wear pink right?). He was actually evicted (after being backstabbed) this past week and I was actually pretty upset..wow my life is sad haha.

yea...more reasons I'm watching this show














Another show that has been one of my favorites for the past couple of years is..Glee haha. I'm not ashamed to admit it! Even though the storyline took a plunge for the past two seasons, I'm still pretty obsessed with most of their songs. It also helps that they added two new actors to the cast...both of whom can really sing and are not hard on the eyes. One of them, Dean Geyer (unfortunately he's not gay as his last name suggests), hails from Australia/South Africa, and yea I'll definitely be hoping he gets a lot of screen time. The first episode was actually pretty decent, so I'm hoping this season has some good storylines.








I also started watching the New Normal and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna continue watching it. It's definitely something I can relate to (not that I have a partner and am trying to have a baby anytime soon) but it seems like a real-life situation of gay couples. And yes, Justin Bartha is not bad to look at either haha. Do I just choose shows cause they have good looking casts? I also realized I would probably be doing amazingly better at school if I wasn't watching a lot of TV...oops.




Sunday, September 9, 2012

Take two, Getting the hang of things, and Peace

Since I haven't been that great at updating my blog, this post is going to jump around from topic to topic...sorry if it's confusing.

So in my search to try to be more active in my dating scene, I actually dled grindr on my phone...and let's just say it's been interesting. No I actually haven't met up with any of the guys that I talked to, but it's definitely opened my eyes. The first thing I've noticed was, WOW, there are a lot of creepers/weirdos out there. Some people also don't know how to take no for an answer...making themselves sound a little stalkerish..Another thing I've noticed is the importance of showing some skin on the picture. For awhile, I just had a face picture up, and, even though I would get messages from some guys, it definitely wasn't too many. I decided then to put up a picture of my face and, of course, my shirtless torso. As soon as I posted that picture, I feel like the number of guys who've messaged me has tripled (yes, including the weirdos). I mean I guess I should be slightly flattered, but then it got me thinking...uh, is my face ugly? haha. but I mean honestly, do I have to forever maintain a decent body to be considered attractive?! I guess everyone has their own preference. Since I'm not the hooking up type, grindr does seem like a waste of time, but I'll just keep it around for fun?

Onto the next topic of my school/rotation life. Medicine is still pretty difficult. I work on average 11-12 hours a day and when I'm home, I try to stay on top of the readings and try to prepare for the next day. It's basically forced me to just think about medicine 24/7, which is not a great life to have. I am liking the rotation though, despite the long hours and the fact that we spend so much time rounding on patients! I like the whole, trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient and bouncing ideas off of everyone on the team. I've also been surprising myself on how much information I've been able to retain from the first two years, but of course, there are endless amount of questions I get wrong when I get pimped from the attending. I do feel like I have a good relationship with everyone on my team, and I'm hoping my evaluations reflect that. Yes, I'm still doing my best to get honors in every rotation (I was able to get it in peds!) so I guess I'm just gonna have to continue to work hard. On a side note though, I will NEVER ever throw a fellow classmate under the bus or do anything else that would make me look better than them, I'll never be that desperate for a better grade. Unfortunately, some of my classmates don't share this sentiment, and are completely unaware of how much everyone else despises them.

Finally, I went to church today for the first time in awhile. I don't really like going to church when I'm back home, especially since I don't really have a home church, so while I was on peds, it was difficult for me to routinely go to church. I do feel like I have a church to call my own when I'm out near my school, so I'm really glad I was able to go back today and realize how much I've needed some time with God. It's been so easy for me to get caught up with school/rotations that I just put my faith and my relationship with God on the side, so it was a great reminder to me that there are more important things in life than school. Hopefully this reminder doesn't go down the drain as soon as the work week starts tomorrow.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoyed their summer and are soaking up the last few days of sunny, nice weather!

Monday, August 27, 2012

So...this is Medicine

So I finished my pediatrics rotations last week (with an incredibly hard shelf exam) and had a very very hectic weekend. I literally partied with my school friends from 2 pm till like 4 am on Friday, lost my voice afterwards, had to volunteer during the day on Saturday, and then went into the city Saturday night to meet up and party some more with my college friends. Let's just say I wish I had taken the weekend to catch up on my sleep...but I still had an amazing time so no regrets.

Today was the first day of my medicine rotation...and I am already stressed out. I expected us to just have a quick orientation and then have the day off, but nope, we just dove right into our responsibilities. I guess doing pediatrics (especially pediatrics at a really chill place with a small number of patients) really spoiled me because the floor in medicine is a lot busier. I also realized that doing pediatrics put me in a mindset that most patients have one diagnosis, but I quickly realized that most of the patients on the medicine floor have ~10 comorbidities. I forgot that people can have diseases other than herpangina, gastritis, and asthma. I guess I just felt really lost because I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do on the floor, and all the superiors were too busy to explain things too. Hopefully it's quieter tomorrow so I can clarify things.

Even though I felt like I hardly did anything today, I pronounced the death of a patient for the first time ever. He wasn't even my patient, but the senior resident needed a witness so I volunteered. Supposedly the patient was in late stages of dementia and was well into his 80s, but just seeing the patient lie in bed, literally lifeless, was quite surreal. After checking the absence of a heartbeat, pulse, and pupillary reflex, the senior resident told me to look at my watch and just say it exactly like they do in the movies, "Time of death is so and so". Amidst all the chaos and stress, I was quickly brought back to earth to realize how short our lives are.  I don't even think it's fully hit me that the patient died today, but I pray that he did not have to suffer through much, and that his family has made their peace with it too. I know I'm going to encounter a lot more deaths (hopefully none of them will be the result of my mistakes) in the future, but it's definitely gonna take time to get used to it.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Wow that was quick!

When I first started my peds rotation, I thought it would take forever to get through. I mean I know 8 weeks isn't a lot, but it does feel like a long time if you're dreading everyday. But as the days went by, I began to enjoy going to work more and more each day, and now, I only have ~4 more days of my rotation left. I've definitely definitely concluded that peds is not for me, but if I don't fall in love with any other specialty, I guess it's not a bad field to go into haha. I guess I'm really good at acting because all of the residents/attendings say that I'm really good with kids and that they can see me in peds...but little do they know how I really feel haha. The one bad thing about this rotation ending...is that now I have to study for the shelf exam I have to take next week. I keep hearing that it's the most difficult shelf and my goal for third year is to honors everything...so yea this should be an interesting week coming up. It also doesn't help that I'm just not a studious person by nature and I've definitely fallen behind.

In non-school related news (yes, I do have a life outside of school/rotations) I went to a wedding up in Boston this past weekend. It really got me thinking about my own wedding in the future and of course that started the whole "I really need to start dating and finding a boyfriend" mentality. I mean I know I'm still young right now but my friends who were getting married were 23/24 so...it just reminded me of the fact that I'm no where near getting married. I always thought when I was younger that I would be married at this time (yes to a girl) and that I would start having kids because I didn't want a large age gap between me and my kids. But I guess I didn't realize that at this age, I would be thousands of dollars in debt (which is growing) and still in school.
I've also been incredibly obsessed with the olympics and I'm sad that it's over (but sorta relieved cause I spent way too much time watching them). It also didn't help that there are so many good looking athletes out there. 

Also, I've been very curious (? not sure if that's the right word) about hooking up randomly with guys I meet online. No, I've never actually done it, but it doesn't help that I just want a companion. I know I shouldn't expect much else from hookups, but a small part of me always thinks, what if I actually end up with the person I hook up with?. Yea it's a very naive way of thinking. Man, I really need to move to a city soon so I can actually meet random guys at bars (people still do that right? internet hasn't totally taken over?) and go through the whole process of getting to know someone else better...rather than having guys just look at each other's picture and wanting to hookup with them.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Out and Proud?

So for those of you who've been reading this blog (yes i know, not many haha) you know that I am pretty comfortable with my sexual identity. I made the decision to come out two years ago after graduating college, and since then, I've become increasingly comfortable living in my own skin. I had no problem telling people in med school that I'm gay, and when people would ask, I wouldn't deny it.
But for the past month during rotations, I think I've been finding it harder to tell people that I'm gay. And by people I mean the people I work with. Of course my classmates with whom I rotate know, but none of the interns/residents/students from other schools/nurses know. So whenever they make a comment that assumes that I'm heterosexual (ie "oh you'll understand when you get a wife") I don't make an effort to correct them. I think underneath it all, I'm afraid of the fact that my superiors or the people I work are actually homophobic, so they'll treat me differently when they find out that I'm gay.
Is it wrong of me to not correct them and tell them that I'm gay? Am I not proud enough to declare my sexual identity? I guess I'm also frustrated that people automatically assume that I'm straight because I'm a guy who doesn't act or dress flamboyantly. As health care workers, shouldn't we be more sensitive? I mean, in med school, we're taught over and over again never to use questions like "do you have a husband/wife?" because it assumes the patient's sexual identity and can possibly make them uncomfortable. Well if that's the case, then shouldn't we apply this idea to everyday life? Maybe one day people will be more aware of these differences. And maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to correct others.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

That week flew by!

I worked for the last six days (had weekend call yesterday) but somehow it felt like the week flew by! I've also begun to have some new insights towards peds. I guess I didn't enjoy it as much in the first two weeks because I was starting a new rotation (and a new year), didn't really know what I was supposed to do on the floor, and felt like I had to be at the top of my game to impress my superiors (aka the people who are determining my grade). This past week was different though. I didn't mind waking up at 5:30 in the morning to go to work and also didn't mind staying late to see some extra cases. I now feel like I know what my responsibilities and tasks are and I think I'm doing them well. We had to get mid-rotation evaluations from the interns and residents, and, to my surprise, I guess I'm doing a great job (hopefully I don't sound cocky by saying this, just stating what happened lol). After hearing the feedback, I feel like I'm a lot more comfortable on the floor and around all the residents; I can crack jokes on them now, and vice versa. One of the senior residents also said that I was practically like an intern, which was sorta cool to hear.

With this new perspective, towards the end of the week, I started to really evaluate whether or not I am interested in peds (taking all of these feelings about the environment and my performance out of it). So far, there are 3 main reasons why I don't think I can go into peds:
1. I really don't like seeing kids sick. I mean I don't really like to see anyone being sick, but seeing a kid's (especially a baby's) small body, looking helpless on the bed, really struck a chord with me (in a bad way). There were two patients this week who had mental retardation and seizure disorders, and I just felt horrible standing there and seeing how their lives are pretty much determined for them.
2. Anything to do with needles and kids/babies. There was one baby who we had to try to place an IV in 5 different locations! It took three people (including myself), and an hour to finally place the IV. I'm just not sure I want to be spending that much time doing these kinds of tasks...and again watching the kids cry and bawl as we try to do so.
3. Being unable to talk to babies/kids directly and having to communicate through parents, especially RUDE parents. Enough said.

I still have 5 more weeks so I'm just gonna try to put everything in perspective.

Finally, I just have to make a comment on the recent events that occurred in Colorado. To say that this event is a tragedy is an understatement. I can't even begin to understand what went through that man's mind as he planned to shoot down tens of people at random, and end up killing 12 of them. I am curious to know what the investigators discover as they interrogate this man, and exactly what his motives were. I mean, he ended up killing a 6 year old child for goodness sake.
I was also displeased with some of the reactions people had after the event. I remember reading one article in the Huffington Post where one man believed that events like this highlight America's gradual shift against Christianity (basically stating if Christian values were being upheld, these events would not have happened). I just don't think this is an appropriate time or place to have those kinds of discussions. It also just reminds me of the hypocrisy that exists within the Christians community (and pretty much those of all other religions).

Alright time to hit the books. I've been having the hardest time going back into the routine of studying like I did for the boards, but considering that the peds shelf is supposedly the hardest, I should probably change this.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Gotta Impress...

Ive been on my peds rotation (my first rotation) for only 2 weeks and 2 days and I think the most important thing I've learned is that as a student, my job is to impress people. It's actually kinda sad, because at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I've accomplished the full extent to what my job entitles. I should explain...

Even before rotations started, I guess I was super eager to go around the hospital talking to patients and really helping people. Instead of doing this, I feel like I've been going around the hospital doing other tasks (getting lab results, printing out stuff, etc.). It's not like I have a choice in this because med students just have to do whatever the residents/interns tell them to do. Why? Because we're basically there to make a good impression. Unfortunately, most of our grades are based on the subjective opinions of our superiors. I feel like there's so much luck involved (if you get assigned a nice resident who's generous with grades..then you're pretty much set. if not...then too bad), of which I am not a fan. I understand that doing all the bitch work is a part of learning the system, but I guess I'm disappointed by the end of the day when I've only gotten to speak to my patient for a total of like 10-15 minutes during the day.

I'm just hoping that this is only true because I just started third year, or because I'm at a sub-par teaching hospital for peds. All I'm asking for is more patient interaction and less having my guard up the entire day, waiting for residents to be around so I can try and please them.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Updates

So it's been awhile since I've last written on this. I guess the most effective way to just jot down what's been going on with my life would be to break it down.
Boards (step 1):
Last time I wrote, I began studying for the boards. It was seriously the most intense 5 week period of studying I've ever been through. There were also a number of instances when I really questioned my desire to become a physician. I'm glad I was able to make it through though. I actually got my score two days ago. Ended up getting a 236, which is semi-respectable I guess(?) but it was also slightly disappointing considering how much I studied and how I did on the practice exams. But I'll take my score any day. Now that that component of my residency application has been determined, I'll just have to work hard on the components I can fix.
School/Third Year:
I started my rotations two weeks ago. I wanted to start off with a not as demanding rotation, and a rotation I wasn't too interested in...so I started with pediatrics. I haven't seen too many interesting cases, also because the hospital I'm working at is...kinda crappy. There aren't that many patients on the floor (i'm doing inpatient first) so it's just a lot of standing around. I'll probably comment on the politics of third year/rotations as the year goes on (trying to impress people, always been cautious, etc.). In general though I am happy that I started third year and can actually work with patients now. I am pretty exhausted though at the end of the day, but supposedly we should be studying a couple of hours a day to perform well on the shelf exam =/.
Personal Life/Love Life (or lack thereof):
For some of the rotations, I'm actually living at home in Queens so I guess there are more options to meet guys/go on dates...but the limiting factor is still lack of time. The only free time I get is the weekends...and even then I should be studying or sometimes I have weekend calls...so yea it's been difficult. I am glad that I get to see my hometown friends a lot more though cause I've always been out of the loop for the past two years while living near my med school. I'm just hoping that my dating life actually starts off sometime soon...here's to wishful thinking!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Four weeks!

After finishing my last set of finals last week (I'm officially done with second year!!....assuming that I passed all my classes), I had to dive straight into studying for Step 1....and it has not been fun for the past week. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still exhausted and mentally drained from finals or if I don't have enough endurance, but I just feel like I'm not cut out for this. Supposedly most people study a good 12-14 hours every day for step 1 and it makes sense because there is just so much material on this dang exam, but I've barely managed to do ~10 hours. It also doesn't help that my shoulder is STILL injured from three weeks ago and I haven't had the chance to go to the gym since then. I'm hoping I don't turn into a blob of fat during the next four weeks because I am planning to go to Punta Cana right after taking the exam...and I would like to be able to wear a swimsuit haha.
I'm still hoping I can find a good rhythm and I'm praying that I do well enough to rock this exam. It's sad that there's so much riding on this one exam, but I guess that's the reality of it and all I can do is try my best. Alright back to studying.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

NC madness

Just saw this clip on youtube and thought it beautifully portrayed the necessity for marriage equality. I'm still in disbelief that amendment one just passed in north carolina. I can only hope for the day when the government realizes that it is disallowing a basic human right to a portion of its citizens.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Super short vacation

So amidst all the chaos of school/finals, I had the opportunity to go to Seattle this past weekend (I'm still here) for a research conference where I was able to present a poster. I arrived here during the day on Thursday, and I'm taking a red-eye flight out in a couple of hours (already dreading it). It was my first time in Seattle so I just wanted to write a quick reflection of my short time here.

I definitely can't see myself living in Seattle for the main reason that it rains too much here. I usually get affected when it rains for consecutive days, so I'm surprised that all these Seattle residents are OK with the rain that seems to occur most of the year. I do think it's a great city to travel to. The people I've encountered here have been really friendly, and I guess I just love the fact that people are able to walk everywhere and places are easily accessible by public transportation. Perhaps I'm just saying this because one has to drive everywhere in Stony Brook, but regardless, I know that I need to live in a city where there are people roaming the streets.

Since I was limited with my time here, I ended up just walking around and going to different coffee shops, since Seattle is known for their coffee, and visiting the supposedly famous Pike's Market. The crowd in Seattle also surprised me because there seems to be a mix of people from different crowds. On the same street, you will encounter businessmen, young students, hipsters, homeless people, and of course tourists. I also noticed that the guys here are also very good looking and seem to be in good shape, which is always a plus.

I'm hoping I'm able to visit Seattle again in the near future and see more of it but I'm glad I had the opportunity to experience a glimpse of it (and the good looking guys). Tomorrow, it's back to reality because I have three finals this coming week, and then on Thursday, it's boards study time for the next five weeks. I'm hoping I can survive the 12-15 hour/day study schedule.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Not 18 anymore (unfortunately)

For some reason, there are moments when I still think that I'm 18. Perhaps it goes along with my stubbornness (I think this might be my biggest flaw and a trait I need to work on) because I seem to have convinced myself that I can stay 18 forever, and then realize that in a couple of months, I will be 24 (dreading my birthday already).

I am writing about this because a couple of days ago, I injured my shoulder from either the gym and playing volleyball (yes, contrary to popular belief, injuries are pretty common in volleyball haha). Despite this injury, and the excruciating pain that has accompanied it, I forced myself to go to the gym and work around it. I guess it's pretty hard to do that when I need to use my shoulder to lift any kind of weight. If I was a normal person, I would probably have gone to the doctor by now and checked to see if it's alright or if I actually damaged something important....but ironically I hate going to the doctor's office so I've been hoping it heals on its own. I guess I keep thinking back to high school when I would injure something, and since it would heal quickly, I would just ignore the pain. But it seems like I can't do that anymore because my body doesn't seem to heal as quickly. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go to the doctor's but I think if the pain persists for a couple more days, the best thing would be for me to go.

Another incident that has led to my realization of my age: Last weekend I went to visit my high school because one of my teachers/deans/coach retired last year and there was a ceremony to have the gymnasium named after her. It was really great to see a couple of my classmates, and the teachers who surprisingly remembered me (or perhaps it's not that surprising because I was sort of a teacher's pet haha). It was then though when I realized that, wow, it's actually been six years since I've graduated high school and I'm really not young anymore (relatively speaking I guess). This is definitely a difficult topic for me because of my fear/uncomfortable feeling towards aging. It also doesn't help that I will probably not make a decent living until I'm well into my 30s, so I don't really feel like an adult yet. I hope one day though that I am able to fully accept the concept of aging and death. Until then, I guess I'll continue to convince myself that I'm an 18 year old stuck in an (almost) 24 year old body.

Friday, April 20, 2012

The Labryinth

For one of our "how to be a good doctor" courses, we have to choose from about 10 different selectives that we can take. They range from learning about health insurance, to laws involved with healthcare, and to my class, which deals with spirituality in healthcare. It's a pretty laid back class, and we meet every week just to discuss how we may encounter the topic of spirituality when it comes to our patients, and how we can and should deal with these issues. The class is led by a priest who also has a PhD and is the director of the bigger "how to be a good doctor" course.

This past week, our class of ~9 students and our professor went on an outdoor walk. The point of the walk was to just appreciate nature's beauty and to take our minds off of schoolwork (which was difficult considering this past week and the following weeks are going to be insane). At this park we went to, there was a labryinth. I've never actually seen a labyrinth before (I guess I just think of the one in Harry Potter or in Pan's Labyrinth) and I learned that the difference between a maze and a labyrinth is that a maze has dead ends, whereas a labyrinth is one long, windy, path that always leads to the center. The professor then talked about how our life, especially right now, was kind of like a labyrinth. When we walk through the labyrinth, we think that we are going through a lot of twists and turns, but in the end, we always end up at the center. Similarly in med school, or in whatever stage of life someone is at, we think that we will NEVER reach the end goal because we're faced with so many different obstacles and what we think are dead ends. The reality is that we always end up reaching the "center" whether that is reaching our goals, getting a job, or finishing med school and finally becoming a physician. It requires one to look at the bigger picture though and have a better perspective.

When I took this photo from above, I was able to clearly trace the path from the beginning (outside) to the center. But I can imagine that if I were actually walking this path, the center/end would have seemed so far away and impossible to reach. It's just another reminder that of how important it is to take a step back and see the bigger pictures.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Halfway Through

I can't believe spring break is already half over. I guess I lost a day by coming to Korea (flight + time difference) but it still feels like it's flown by.
I do need some time to reflect on my trip so far and hopefully writing it down will help.
So far, I've been spending a lot of time with family. The day I arrived, my entire mom's side gathered together for dinner. It was actually the first time in my life that we (all my cousins, aunts and uncles) got together at one place, which was a good feeling. I haven't seen some of these people since I was in the 6th grade...so I guess 12 years ago? Damn time flies. They were all commenting on how I don't look like a boy anymore (I guess that means I look old now haha) and how they were all surprised by much more proficient in Korean I became (when I was younger, I only knew simple phrases).
While interacting with my family, I couldn't stop thinking about how different my life would be if my family had never immigrated to the states. Would I still be in med school? Would I be able to accept my true identity and come out? I think about these for a couple of reasons. Everyone in my family, even my cousins who work now, lead very humble lives. Most of them didn't get to go to college, and don't have jobs that pay too well. It's not that my family members aren't smart enough, but most of them didn't have time to study so that they could support each other. High school here is also extremely cutthroat, so if you weren't the best of the best, you didn't really stand a chance of going to a worthwhile college. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm able to come back to Korea while having a stable job as a physician (hopefully) and be able to buy my family members things.
I also have yet to see a single gay couple here. Maybe I'm hanging out in the wrong/conservative areas but I think Koreans in general aren't too receptive of gays here so...everyone's just in the closet. It's also extremely difficult to tell if anyone is gay because all the guys here dress very...metrosexually? Everyone wears super super tight skinny jeans and have handbags. Maybe in a decade Koreans will get more open minded.
Finally, spending time in Korea has made me realize just how lonely I am and just how much I want a boyfriend. When I visited jeju island for the past 3 days, all I noticed around me were couples. Couples in Korea are also super super pda-advocates. Everyone wears matching clothes and try to do cutesy things in public. I'm not the biggest fan of PDA but I would like to do some things with my boyfriend in the future.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Back to the Motherland

My spring break starts on Friday, but since there aren't any mandatory classes (I've stopped going to non-mandatory classes last year haha) I've decided to start my spring break early. The destination this year...Korea. I haven't visited since I was 18 (~5 years ago?) so I'm excited to go back. Even though I'm only going to be there for 9-10 days, I'm still looking forward to it. It's a family vacation because it's my grandmother's 80th birthday, so I don't expect to do any fun nightlife stuff, but I am looking forward to the relaxation (even though I have finals again when I get back) and allll the good food. I do wish I could explore the gay scene in Korea (but then again, I haven't even explored the gay scene in NY) but I don't think it would be such a good idea since I don't really know anyone in Korea and my family (other than my sister) does not know about my sexuality. Here's to my last vacation before intense boards studying begins!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Making time to workout

Yea, I know I look like a tool.
Throughout high school, I was an incredibly scrawny kid. I always wanted to gain muscle, but I wasn't too good about weight training, and was ~125 pounds throughout all four years. I spent most of my year training for and playing volleyball or running, so I guess it didn't help me to bulk up either. The summer after high school, I was determined to put on some muscle mass. My two best friends from hs were already pretty bulky so they went to the gym with me and we would train for 2-3 hours everyday during the summer.
In college, I definitely had a harder time working out, but I still made time. I gave into the whole protein powder thing, and tried to eat healthy (or as healthy as a college student can). I was able to gain a lot of weight though and was around 150.
In med school, despite the lack of time, I would always make time to go to the gym. I try to go 5-6 times a week and am still trying to bulk up (currently around 155). I'm definitely not in the best shape compared to other guys my age, but I'm definitely not ashamed of my body.

Anyways, this brings me to the main reason for my post, the frustration I feel towards people who don't take care of their bodies. It's not my place to judge, but as a future physician, I think it's incredibly important to be able to talk to patients about how to better take care of their bodies. It is not just a coincidence that Americans have the highest rate of obesity, and the second highest rate of being overweight. We live in a society that promotes living high paced lifestyles, leading us to eat fast foods, and skip exercise time. We become so complacent with our lifestyles, that we become unwilling to make changes. Instead of sitting in the house watching tv for an hour, that hour can be spent walking/running outside or going to the gym.
We are so concerned about the cost of healthcare, yet we are unwilling to make some changes in our lifestyles that can prevent the diseases that lead to hospital admissions. I understand that some people can't exercise because of other health reasons (joint pains, pulmonary issues) but I think a majority of Americans are just lazy.
(I'm sorry if this post was just me ranting, but it's because I really do care about the issue and it really saddens me when I see patients in the hospital who are unwilling to make simple changes in their lifestyles that can improve their health dramatically).

Friday, March 16, 2012

Match Day!

So today is Match Day! At noon, all the fourth years found out where they will be doing their residencies for the next couple of years. It's basically the one day that everyone in med school (including myself) looks forward to because it is the time when all the hard work during school pays off. Even though my own match day is still two years away (cannot wait!) it was still exciting to see the fourth years and their families celebrate. There were some amazing matches: plastics at ucsf, peds at children's hospital in penn, a lot of yale, etc. It also got me a littleee worried because looking at the list, I also saw that a lot of people ended up at stony brook or nearby hospitals. I mean I think it's fine if people wanted to end up here, but I know for a fact that I cannot stay at stony brook or near here for residency. I just need some city life. So I guess when the time comes, I know I won't apply or rank residencies at places I really don't want; I'd rather take a year off and increase my chances for the following year. I guess I should start working a lot harder to get where I want to be in the future.
Anyways, congrats to the class of 2012!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Excited for next year!

Even though I still have 2 more months of second year left, and an 8 hour exam to take in June (ahh), I am definitely looking forward to next year (third year). We received our rotation schedules for next year and I got the exact order I wanted: pediatrics, internal medicine (with ambulatory), electives (hopefully anesthesiology and emergency medicine), surgery, psychiatry, neurology, and ob/gyn. I'll also be living at home (or close to home) which will be the first time since high school to do so. I was able to get most of my sites at hospitals near my house back home, and I figured it would be a nice way to save money (i can take out less loans now). I just hope I don't butt heads with my parents too much, but I figure I'll be in the hospital 10-12 hours everyday so I'll rarely see them anyways.

It does still scare me that I have no idea what specialty I want to go into, but I hear everyone figures it out in third year, and I guess I have a general sense of what interests me. I do know I will not be going into peds, ob/gyn (which is why i am starting and ending third year with them), and psych, but the other specialties still interest me.

I'm also hoping living at home, closer to the city, will be able to spark my dating life. It is seriously so difficult to meet anyone out here in LI, and even though I'll be busy with third year, it's nice to know that I'll be able to meet more guys in the city (well I'm hoping I'll be able to anyways).

But yea, I am getting ahead of myself, and I still have the boards exams to take (and hopefully rock, although the idea of failing scares me everyday).

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Are you kidding me....?

Yesterday I read an article that definitely ticked me off. It can be found here:
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/bonus-withdrawal-puts-bankers-malaise-050100338.html

When I think of a disaster, the last thing that comes to mind is having a salary of $350,000. Perhaps I have to put things in perspective and shouldn't be as annoyed by these people who are complaining that they've had to "cut back", but I just don't understand how people can be complaining about that salary. I guess it just angers me even more because growing up, my family faced a lot of financial hardships. As Korean immigrants (initially illegal), my parents couldn't really get decent jobs, so they were forced to work in small businesses. I think the average income of both my parents combined was around $20,000 (that might even be a lot) and we got by. Sure there were many frustrating times and I was forced to work at a relatively young age, but I think in the end, I learned the valuable lesson of hard work and appreciation.

Do these people even deserve to get paid $350K? I know that in the future, as a physician, I will definitely be making more then the average American, but the amount of time, work, and (loan) money that physicians put in seem to justify that, no? In fact, there have recently been a lot of reports of physicians who are having difficulty paying off their medical school loans and making a decent living. Somehow it doesn't seem right that physicians, who are essentially saving people's lives, are getting paid less that businessmen, who, in my opinion, aren't making the same impact on society. Again, I should put things in perspective and see it from the other side but that's just how I feel at the moment.

Friday, February 24, 2012

My Story

So for church this past Sunday, the sermon focused on the importance of telling our story, the story referring to our journey as Christians. Even if we may think our personal experiences are meaningless or insignificant, the pastor told us that it may impact the life of a single person, and that would make all the difference. So here's my story (it may be pretty disorganized and really long):

The first religious experience I had was when I was around 7 or 8. A close family friend had their own church, so I remember being in a play for Christmas. Not the clearest memory, but I do remember the general story of Jesus (as presented in the Bible). My family wasn't that religious, even though my extended family were devout Christians. I remember one time when I was really young, one of my older cousins told me that if I didn't believe in God and Jesus, I would go to hell. Sure that scared me a little bit, but I wasn't completely convinced.
When I was around 9, my parents started going to a Buddhist temple, and of course, I had to follow. I can't say that I completely understood the religion, but I partook in the rituals and slowly began to understand the beliefs. I think I've always believed in the afterlife and the existence of souls, but I was very unsure about a lot of things. What actually happens when we die? Do our actions in this life make a difference? Yea, the average kid probably thinks about other things, but these thoughts entered my mind on a daily basis.
After going to the Buddhist temple (at this point my parents have fully converted and I guess I considered myself a Buddhist too) for about 3-4 years, I was still pretty confused about the same ol things. Basically, I felt uneasy and not at peace. At the end of eighth grade, one of my closest friends, who is a pastor's kid, invited me to her church's youth group service. Actually the first time I went, I was sorta tricked cause I essentially went to play volleyball haha. But in my first youth group service, I just felt at peace. I knew I wasn't fully aware of all the Christian beliefs, and I was still confused about my own beliefs, but something just felt natural and right.
Since my first time attending church, I basically went every week. I just wanted to learn more. It also helped that there were a lot more people my age at church versus the temple (but by not means the main reason why I kept going to church). Unfortunately, during this time that I went to church on Saturdays, my parents had no idea where I was, and this happened for a good 1 1/2 years. I told them that I was just hanging out with friends (I know I'm such a rebel, lying to my parents about going to church). I would go to the temple on Sundays and church on Saturdays. I would also pray to both God and Buddha (I'm pretty sure this wasn't the right thing to do haha). But again I just needed answers.
It wasn't until the eleventh grade when I decided to become baptized. I was given permission by my parents to go to church (my parents are pretty laid back) just as long as I wouldn't make an effort to convert them. Again, it's hard to describe exactly why I converted, but Christianity felt right for me. It gave me a purpose for living and most of all, it gave me peace.
It would be a lie if I said my journey since then has been amazing. But I will say that the end result (so far) has been great. I've met some amazing, inspirational people and have been involved in some life changing experiences. I feel like my biggest gift from God is my ability to socialize and to get people to feel comfortable. Due to the realization of this gift, I became heavily involved in christian fellowships, both in high school, and in college. Actually even in med school right now I'm involved. I may not be the most knowledgeable person regarding the Bible, but I think it's important to allow people to feel comfortable in a fellowship, especially those who are seeking. I went on two missions trips in college, one to Chicago and one to Mexico, and both experiences made me realize how vast God's love is and how important it is for us to help those in need.

My biggest struggle with Christianity was, and is, my sexuality. I guess a small part of me always knew, but for a number of reasons, Christian beliefs being one of them, I repressed those feelings and decided the best thing to do was to act straight and do my best to live a straight life. Who knew how difficult that actually would be. It was hard knowing how I actually felt, and then hearing sermons that condemn homosexuality. I've spent many a nights awake, angry at God for the way I turned out. I prayed and prayed that if possible, to allow me to be straight. I thought it would be easier in college, but I think that's when I repressed my feelings the most. Even though the campus was extremely liberal, I still thought it was a choice and something I could change through prayer. In sophomore year, I actually had my first experience with a guy (something I'll write about soon), who was actually someone in my suite, but I forced myself to disregard those feelings and to distance myself from that guy. This led me to pray even harder. In senior year, I had heard that in another fellowship, a girl was asked to resign from her role as a student leader because she had recently come out of the closet. I wasn't even sure exactly how I felt about that, but I know that I was disturbed.This pushed me even deeper into the closet. I didn't want to lose my friends, my community and my role as a leader among other Christian students.

As I look back, I realize that God has constantly reminded me of the right thing to do. Throughout college, the pastors I've met and the mentors I've had always emphasized one thing about Christianity: the importance of love. Christians are not called to condemn others or judge others, but are called to love. To love God and to love each other. Even if I was to come out of the closet, I knew that God would still love me. And I also came to discover that everyone in my life would love me as me, without any regard of my sexuality. Now, I believe that God did not make a mistake in making me gay. There's a purpose, which is something I am trying to discover haha. Perhaps God made gay people to force people to love everyone? Who knows if we'll ever have the answer, but I am grateful that God has given me the strength to come out and be happy. I still have to work on coming out to my parents, but I know that it'll be good in the end.

So yea, that's a general outline of my story. Congrats if you actually read through it. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my story, but I think it has the essential aspects. I will always continue to struggle in life, but I am happy to know that my foundation and my beliefs will remain solid.




Friday, February 17, 2012

Please turn your head and cough...

Yesterday was the first time that our class learned how to do the rectal and male genital exam. A lot of people in the class were pretty nervous about it, but I guess I didn't really see much difference in this exam and any other physical exam that we're taught. Or maybe it's cause I'm gay and I don't see anything wrong with sticking things in the ass? (that's definitely a joke). But I think everyone had a great experience with it.

It was essentially 5-6 students in a small room with a standardized patient, who's had training on how to teach students as we're performing the exam on them. They were (or I guess they had to be) very comfortable with their bodies and took us through a step by step approach, starting from just observing things to testing for inguinal hernias and ending with the prostate exam.

This also ties into my recent interest in urology. We haven't started the reproductive system yet (I think that's next) but we do have interest group meetings, and after going to one on urology, it seemed pretty interesting. I think I've always wanted to do surgery, but the lifestyle was a complete turnoff. Apparently, urologists have one of the better lifestyles out of all the surgical specialties, and there really aren't that many urology related emergencies that require you to work late at night/early morning. I'm hoping my comfortable mood yesterday will help me with the specialty too. There's still the six years of residency that I'm not looking forward to....

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Pro___?

Once every other week, we have a class that focuses on topics that physicians must be aware of, mainly dealing with ethical dilemmas that physicians face. Med students call this class "how to be a good doctor" and some don't really think much of it, but it's a nice break from all the studying.
Today's topic involved abortion. Not really whether or not we were prolife or prochoice, but whether or not doctors have a duty to treat everyone, even if goes against the doctor's views. For example, do we believe that OB/GYNs have a responsibility as physicians to perform abortions, or does his or her conscience and beliefs overrule this obligation to the patient.

Although my beliefs aren't as strong and solidified as I would want them to be, I know I would not be comfortable with performing abortions. I do believe that a life starts at conception, and even though a woman has rights to her body, the fetus also has rights as well. BUT this does not mean that I condone abortion, nor do i think that legislation should be passed that prohibits abortion. It's like saying, "Oh since lying is a sin, then it should be illegal to lie" or "It's a sin to be gay, so laws should be passed that limits the rights of gays"....oh wait I guess some ridiculous people say that...Anyways, I think that if (for some crazy reason) I went into OB/GYN and was asked by a patient to perform an abortion, the right decision would be to refer her to a colleague that is comfortable with it. If I wouldn't be comfortable performing an abortion, I think that it would also affect my performance of the procedure, which isn't fair to the patient. 

The other topic that arose from this discussion was the decision of some physicians to terminate relations with a patient if there is a lack of compliance. For example, there are pulmonologists who refuse to see certain patients if, after a number of sessions and talks, the patient refuses to quit smoking. Or, in another example, a physician stops treating an obese patient if that patient makes no effort to lose weight. Although I can't say for sure what my decision would be, I think I sort of agree with this train of thought. The physician-patient relationship is a two way street, and I don't think it's right for patients to abuse medications if they are not willing to change their lifestyles and habits. It's truly a waste of energy and money on the healthcare system (I'll probably talk about fitness and dieting in a future post). I don't think I would discontinue relationships with a patient as a punishment or as an act that abuses power, but if I felt that the connection/chemistry was not there, and if that patient would benefit from the counseling of another competent physician, I think referring that patient is the right thing to do. Of course I would do my best to steer that patient in the right direction, but one can only do so much. 

Monday, January 30, 2012

Reminder

So when I started medical school, I was pumped. I was ready to learn, do well in school, and become a great doctor. And then..classes started and the exams piled on, and this sentiment quickly dissipated. When I heard that medical school was difficult, I had no idea just how difficult it would be. It's not only the shear amount of information we're required to learn, but also the stress of learning how to be a "good doctor", trying to make an impression on our superiors so that we can get good letters later on, and basically staying alive.

There have been many studies that have looked into the high rate of depression among medical students and residents. Yet, despite these studies, the administration doesn't seem to really do much to help alleviate this stress. Maybe we all need to suck it up and push through?

Despite the stress and negative affect on social lives, I feel like it will definitely be worth it in the end. It all depends on what the ultimate motivation and goal for becoming a doctor is. Unfortunately, living the good life and getting paid an insane amount of money is no longer enough to motivate someone to go through medical school, because the average debt for medical students is around $150 K, and it takes an average of 15-20 years to pay off this debt (due to interest and the small amount of pay for residents).

My motivation truly stems from the desire to make a difference, no matter how small, in the world. The few opportunities that I have had to interact with patients, especially those who come from underserved communities, remind me why I am working my butt off to help others. When I worked in Baltimore over the summer, I was surprised by the huge disparity in health care access among Americans. We always talk about how Americans have the health care of third world nations, but yet, even within America, there is an endless number of communities that suffer from either poor or lack of health care. I hope I do not get jaded though by medical school and cop out in the end (and go into a specialty in which physicians get paid a lot but don't really do much). My goal is to ultimately go on a number of medical missions trips during my career. I'm also planning to go into academic medicine so that I can have an impact on future physicians and on the improvement of methods to educate the future. These are all dreams for now, but hopefully one day, I will be able to live it.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Peace

Just got back from church and had to jot this down quickly before I forgot (because it was a great message and I hope I can come back to it later to remind myself). The sermon was focused on obtaining peace, and essentially the way to having peace of mind is to let go of all worries and fears, and placing trust in God. To those that are unfamiliar with Christianity, this may seem like an overly simplified statement. Heck, even for a believer like myself this commandment seems simplified. But I guess that's part of the beauty of it all, the simplicity of letting go of one's worries and trusting in the bigger plan. If you are interested in reading the verses, they come from Matthew 6:25-34.

I felt that the message was really relevant and appropriate on a personal level, because I worry A LOT. I definitely have a type A personality and tend to be a perfectionist at times. Yes, I was that kid in high school who thought failing was getting below 100. But medical school has definitely humbled me. All I care about now is passing (ok that's sort of a lie, cause I do try to honors or at least high pass all my classes) and actually learning the material so that I can become a good physician. And I realize that this fear of failing my classes definitely consumes me at times. What's the point of worrying though? It doesn't do me any good, nor will it allow me to solve the problems. The pastor stated that in order to achieve peace, we need to focus on the present and to stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past, or things we cannot control in the future. We have to trust that God will provide in the end. And it's true. When I look back at the times that I've worried myself to death, I realize that everything turned out fine. I guess all it takes is a little perspective.

So therefore, even though I have a quiz tomorrow for a system that I am struggling with (renal) I know that I have done my best at learning the material and that there's no point in stressing. Hopefully this feeling follows me the following week when we have three exams in one day....

On a separate note, just wanted to post this http://imgur.com/bVD9p

The three hardest words...

..well, currently, are "I am gay". And they aren't that hard to say to peers, but I've been having the hardest time telling this to my parents.

When I was contemplating coming out 1 1/2 years ago, I thought telling my parents would be pretty easy. They have always been supportive of me, no matter what I wanted to pursue, and they are pretty open minded. I guess there are a number of reasons why I haven't had the balls to come out to them.
Even though I consider their viewpoints to be fairly liberal, they are also very traditional when it comes to certain Korean values and ideals.

Unfortunately, the Korean community is very slow when it comes to being open minded about homosexuality. I basically grew up with the idea that gays didn't exist, or at least in Korea they didn't. It was (and in some parts still is) such a taboo topic, so there was no one I could talk to about my own feelings. The mixture of homophobia with Korean culture, especially in NY, is also something that makes this difficult. Even if my parents were ok with it, I'm not sure how they would feel about other people (family friends) knowing. The Korean community is very infamous for being gossipy and in a matter of days, I feel like news would spread like fire. I've had a couple of conversations with my parents awhile ago on what they thought about the gay community, and they were both pretty chill about it. In their opinion, if two people, regardless of sex, love each other, then that's that. But I have a feeling that things might be different if it was actually someone they know personally.

Finally, I just want to avoid the discussion in general. I don't think I would be able to see the disappointment and shock on their faces when I tell them the news. It also doesn't help that my older sister recently got married, and they've been asking me nonstop when I am going to (I'm only 23!!). The expectations of grandchildren is also there (I mean I want a family but I guess the options are more limited). It's also harder to tell them the news in Korean (they aren't that fluent in English) because I wouldn't know the right words to say in Korean. I consider myself to be pretty fluent, but it's hard to give long explanations (and I think a topic like this requires them). Perhaps I will write them a letter...or is that too impersonal?

Anyone have any thoughts and/or suggestions?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Discovering My Sexuality

I'm not even sure where to start with this post. If I were to pinpoint a point when I realized I was gay...I guess I wouldn't be able to. Maybe a retrospective look on my thoughts growing up will help (it probably won't but at least this forces me to think)

My childhood was pretty "normal". I use the term normal loosely because I'm pretty sure it was different in a number of aspects, but I don't think there was really anything out of the ordinary. I think one thing that did play a large influence on my upbringing was the fact that I had an older sister, and all of my family friends were girls. So instead of the usual playing basketball, and other sports that's supposed to make a guy masculine, I played indoor games with them (a lot of board games). The only sport I did get into competitively (will elaborate on a future post) was volleyball, and I guess the common belief is that it's a very feminine sport. And the only reason I got into it was because my family friends were into it.

I feel like the groups of friends I had growing up also played a large role. It's weird, because in elementary school, most of my closest friends were guys. We would play video games all the time, go to the movies, etc. In middle school, for some reason (again maybe it was because of all the girls in my life) I hung out with girls a lot more. I did have a couple of close guy friends, but I think when it came down to hanging out, I would hangout with girls a lot more. In high school, I guess I didn't have a choice but to hangout with a majority girls because my hs consisted of 70% girls and 30% guys. In my close group of friends, there were 4-5 guys, and about 15 girls....so yea it was difficult. Alright I'm not sure why I got into analyzing my groups of friends, but hopefully everything ties together well.

In terms of relationships, I had a couple of "girlfriends" in middle school and high school. Using the term loosely again cause they were all short term. I guess looking back, I was never really sexually attracted to any of them. But I was comfortable and compatible with them, and there was definitely an emotional/mental connection. I guess those aren't enough to get a relationship going, especially in teenage years.
Did I know on a certain level that I was gay? Probably. Did I suppress it tremendously? Most definitely. Was I aware of this suppression? Most likely not. You see, when I was attracted to other guys, I think it was more the wanting of close male friends. I wasn't the most masculine guy growing up, and got along with girls just fine, but I still felt a need (and want) to have close guy friends and just do guy stuff. So I guess I subconsciously convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to them. Instead, it was my attraction to having close male friends.

Fast forward to college. I went to an extremely liberal college (Brown) and looking back, it should have been the place at which I would be the most comfortable coming out. But how could I when I wasn't even sure of my own feelings. I hooked up with a number of girls, but could never sleep with any of them (I should have gotten the hint then huh?). My desire for close male friends also seemed to take over, and somehow, most of my friends from college ended up being guys.  Also, I was very involved in the Asian community at school, and Asians tend to be a lot more close minded when it came to things like homosexuality. I guess that led to more suppression of my feelings.

My faith also played a role in this suppression. I'll probably talk about my religious life another time (it's way too long) but I was very involved in fellowships in high school and college. In fact, I helped lead both groups. So how would I be able to come out when it's such a taboo topic in the church? There were many many many times when I would pray about this. If all things were possible through God, then surely he can allow me to become attracted to girls. Fortunately, with time, I began to accept the fact that hey, I might have been made this way for a reason. I'm not quite sure what my purpose is, but to me, there was a reason I was gay. It's all part of God's plan.

I finally decided towards the end of senior year that I needed to come out after graduation. I didn't want to risk ruining friendships over my coming out (although none were ruined afterwards) so I thought it would be best to wait until after graduation. I also needed to do it before I started medical school three months after graduation, because I needed to start accepting myself and living a true life. Sure many people were surprised and shocked, but I haven't had a bad reaction. When my friends in med school found out (some didn't realize it until months into school) they didn't think twice of it. It's just a part of who I am.

Alright so I realize this post is incredibly fragmented, but I guess that's a reflection of my current thoughts on my whole discovery of my sexuality. Hopefully future posts will allow me to organize these thoughts and elaborate on many points, but I just wanted to get them out there first. Congratulations if you were able to finish.

Reasons for this Blog

So for awhile now, I've felt the urge to start a blog as an outlet to just write down all these thoughts in my head. I guess the best place to start is a simple (or my attempt at being simple) introduction.

I'm currently 23 years old, and a second year student at a medical school in NY (hence the douche-y picture, but I swear I'm not a douche in real life). I recently came out (right after graduating college, and before starting med school) and I guess I really can't complain too much about life (other than school of course).

The reason why I named my blog this way, is because I feel like there are a number of words that can fill that blank, and I don't really have one that works perfectly. If it was solely based on identity, I would have put Korean America, Christian, or Gay, but it was hard to choose just one. It it was based on personality, I would have put outgoing, ambitious, humorous, and stubborn, but again, it would be impossible to just choose one. If it was based on what type of medical student I am....well let's just avoid that because I think that changes everyday based on how lazy or motivated I feel. So after careful consideration, I just left it blank, and I guess people can decide for themselves what that blank should be.

What exactly am I planning to write here? I actually don't have a clue. I guess it's hard to just come up with one theme. I feel like the possibilities are endless: growing up as an illegal immigrant, enduring endless economic hardships, coming to terms with my sexuality, growing as a Christian, struggling as a gay Christian, things I'm learning in medical school (and in life), etc. Hopefully these topics are not boring, and even if they are, I still need to write them down.

I'm hoping that a few years down the line, I'm able to see growth and maturity if i ever get a chance to read through my posts. I'm also hoping to learn things from fellow bloggers, learning from those who lead very different lives from me, and encountering those who share similarities.

I used to have a separate blog, and am also very active on facebook, but it's been difficult not being able to post anything that is gay related, but I am, unfortunately, not out to my parents and am trying to avoid family friends learning about my "other" life. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to be open about everything. Until then, I'll write things here.