Monday, January 30, 2012

Reminder

So when I started medical school, I was pumped. I was ready to learn, do well in school, and become a great doctor. And then..classes started and the exams piled on, and this sentiment quickly dissipated. When I heard that medical school was difficult, I had no idea just how difficult it would be. It's not only the shear amount of information we're required to learn, but also the stress of learning how to be a "good doctor", trying to make an impression on our superiors so that we can get good letters later on, and basically staying alive.

There have been many studies that have looked into the high rate of depression among medical students and residents. Yet, despite these studies, the administration doesn't seem to really do much to help alleviate this stress. Maybe we all need to suck it up and push through?

Despite the stress and negative affect on social lives, I feel like it will definitely be worth it in the end. It all depends on what the ultimate motivation and goal for becoming a doctor is. Unfortunately, living the good life and getting paid an insane amount of money is no longer enough to motivate someone to go through medical school, because the average debt for medical students is around $150 K, and it takes an average of 15-20 years to pay off this debt (due to interest and the small amount of pay for residents).

My motivation truly stems from the desire to make a difference, no matter how small, in the world. The few opportunities that I have had to interact with patients, especially those who come from underserved communities, remind me why I am working my butt off to help others. When I worked in Baltimore over the summer, I was surprised by the huge disparity in health care access among Americans. We always talk about how Americans have the health care of third world nations, but yet, even within America, there is an endless number of communities that suffer from either poor or lack of health care. I hope I do not get jaded though by medical school and cop out in the end (and go into a specialty in which physicians get paid a lot but don't really do much). My goal is to ultimately go on a number of medical missions trips during my career. I'm also planning to go into academic medicine so that I can have an impact on future physicians and on the improvement of methods to educate the future. These are all dreams for now, but hopefully one day, I will be able to live it.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Peace

Just got back from church and had to jot this down quickly before I forgot (because it was a great message and I hope I can come back to it later to remind myself). The sermon was focused on obtaining peace, and essentially the way to having peace of mind is to let go of all worries and fears, and placing trust in God. To those that are unfamiliar with Christianity, this may seem like an overly simplified statement. Heck, even for a believer like myself this commandment seems simplified. But I guess that's part of the beauty of it all, the simplicity of letting go of one's worries and trusting in the bigger plan. If you are interested in reading the verses, they come from Matthew 6:25-34.

I felt that the message was really relevant and appropriate on a personal level, because I worry A LOT. I definitely have a type A personality and tend to be a perfectionist at times. Yes, I was that kid in high school who thought failing was getting below 100. But medical school has definitely humbled me. All I care about now is passing (ok that's sort of a lie, cause I do try to honors or at least high pass all my classes) and actually learning the material so that I can become a good physician. And I realize that this fear of failing my classes definitely consumes me at times. What's the point of worrying though? It doesn't do me any good, nor will it allow me to solve the problems. The pastor stated that in order to achieve peace, we need to focus on the present and to stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past, or things we cannot control in the future. We have to trust that God will provide in the end. And it's true. When I look back at the times that I've worried myself to death, I realize that everything turned out fine. I guess all it takes is a little perspective.

So therefore, even though I have a quiz tomorrow for a system that I am struggling with (renal) I know that I have done my best at learning the material and that there's no point in stressing. Hopefully this feeling follows me the following week when we have three exams in one day....

On a separate note, just wanted to post this http://imgur.com/bVD9p

The three hardest words...

..well, currently, are "I am gay". And they aren't that hard to say to peers, but I've been having the hardest time telling this to my parents.

When I was contemplating coming out 1 1/2 years ago, I thought telling my parents would be pretty easy. They have always been supportive of me, no matter what I wanted to pursue, and they are pretty open minded. I guess there are a number of reasons why I haven't had the balls to come out to them.
Even though I consider their viewpoints to be fairly liberal, they are also very traditional when it comes to certain Korean values and ideals.

Unfortunately, the Korean community is very slow when it comes to being open minded about homosexuality. I basically grew up with the idea that gays didn't exist, or at least in Korea they didn't. It was (and in some parts still is) such a taboo topic, so there was no one I could talk to about my own feelings. The mixture of homophobia with Korean culture, especially in NY, is also something that makes this difficult. Even if my parents were ok with it, I'm not sure how they would feel about other people (family friends) knowing. The Korean community is very infamous for being gossipy and in a matter of days, I feel like news would spread like fire. I've had a couple of conversations with my parents awhile ago on what they thought about the gay community, and they were both pretty chill about it. In their opinion, if two people, regardless of sex, love each other, then that's that. But I have a feeling that things might be different if it was actually someone they know personally.

Finally, I just want to avoid the discussion in general. I don't think I would be able to see the disappointment and shock on their faces when I tell them the news. It also doesn't help that my older sister recently got married, and they've been asking me nonstop when I am going to (I'm only 23!!). The expectations of grandchildren is also there (I mean I want a family but I guess the options are more limited). It's also harder to tell them the news in Korean (they aren't that fluent in English) because I wouldn't know the right words to say in Korean. I consider myself to be pretty fluent, but it's hard to give long explanations (and I think a topic like this requires them). Perhaps I will write them a letter...or is that too impersonal?

Anyone have any thoughts and/or suggestions?

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Discovering My Sexuality

I'm not even sure where to start with this post. If I were to pinpoint a point when I realized I was gay...I guess I wouldn't be able to. Maybe a retrospective look on my thoughts growing up will help (it probably won't but at least this forces me to think)

My childhood was pretty "normal". I use the term normal loosely because I'm pretty sure it was different in a number of aspects, but I don't think there was really anything out of the ordinary. I think one thing that did play a large influence on my upbringing was the fact that I had an older sister, and all of my family friends were girls. So instead of the usual playing basketball, and other sports that's supposed to make a guy masculine, I played indoor games with them (a lot of board games). The only sport I did get into competitively (will elaborate on a future post) was volleyball, and I guess the common belief is that it's a very feminine sport. And the only reason I got into it was because my family friends were into it.

I feel like the groups of friends I had growing up also played a large role. It's weird, because in elementary school, most of my closest friends were guys. We would play video games all the time, go to the movies, etc. In middle school, for some reason (again maybe it was because of all the girls in my life) I hung out with girls a lot more. I did have a couple of close guy friends, but I think when it came down to hanging out, I would hangout with girls a lot more. In high school, I guess I didn't have a choice but to hangout with a majority girls because my hs consisted of 70% girls and 30% guys. In my close group of friends, there were 4-5 guys, and about 15 girls....so yea it was difficult. Alright I'm not sure why I got into analyzing my groups of friends, but hopefully everything ties together well.

In terms of relationships, I had a couple of "girlfriends" in middle school and high school. Using the term loosely again cause they were all short term. I guess looking back, I was never really sexually attracted to any of them. But I was comfortable and compatible with them, and there was definitely an emotional/mental connection. I guess those aren't enough to get a relationship going, especially in teenage years.
Did I know on a certain level that I was gay? Probably. Did I suppress it tremendously? Most definitely. Was I aware of this suppression? Most likely not. You see, when I was attracted to other guys, I think it was more the wanting of close male friends. I wasn't the most masculine guy growing up, and got along with girls just fine, but I still felt a need (and want) to have close guy friends and just do guy stuff. So I guess I subconsciously convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to them. Instead, it was my attraction to having close male friends.

Fast forward to college. I went to an extremely liberal college (Brown) and looking back, it should have been the place at which I would be the most comfortable coming out. But how could I when I wasn't even sure of my own feelings. I hooked up with a number of girls, but could never sleep with any of them (I should have gotten the hint then huh?). My desire for close male friends also seemed to take over, and somehow, most of my friends from college ended up being guys.  Also, I was very involved in the Asian community at school, and Asians tend to be a lot more close minded when it came to things like homosexuality. I guess that led to more suppression of my feelings.

My faith also played a role in this suppression. I'll probably talk about my religious life another time (it's way too long) but I was very involved in fellowships in high school and college. In fact, I helped lead both groups. So how would I be able to come out when it's such a taboo topic in the church? There were many many many times when I would pray about this. If all things were possible through God, then surely he can allow me to become attracted to girls. Fortunately, with time, I began to accept the fact that hey, I might have been made this way for a reason. I'm not quite sure what my purpose is, but to me, there was a reason I was gay. It's all part of God's plan.

I finally decided towards the end of senior year that I needed to come out after graduation. I didn't want to risk ruining friendships over my coming out (although none were ruined afterwards) so I thought it would be best to wait until after graduation. I also needed to do it before I started medical school three months after graduation, because I needed to start accepting myself and living a true life. Sure many people were surprised and shocked, but I haven't had a bad reaction. When my friends in med school found out (some didn't realize it until months into school) they didn't think twice of it. It's just a part of who I am.

Alright so I realize this post is incredibly fragmented, but I guess that's a reflection of my current thoughts on my whole discovery of my sexuality. Hopefully future posts will allow me to organize these thoughts and elaborate on many points, but I just wanted to get them out there first. Congratulations if you were able to finish.

Reasons for this Blog

So for awhile now, I've felt the urge to start a blog as an outlet to just write down all these thoughts in my head. I guess the best place to start is a simple (or my attempt at being simple) introduction.

I'm currently 23 years old, and a second year student at a medical school in NY (hence the douche-y picture, but I swear I'm not a douche in real life). I recently came out (right after graduating college, and before starting med school) and I guess I really can't complain too much about life (other than school of course).

The reason why I named my blog this way, is because I feel like there are a number of words that can fill that blank, and I don't really have one that works perfectly. If it was solely based on identity, I would have put Korean America, Christian, or Gay, but it was hard to choose just one. It it was based on personality, I would have put outgoing, ambitious, humorous, and stubborn, but again, it would be impossible to just choose one. If it was based on what type of medical student I am....well let's just avoid that because I think that changes everyday based on how lazy or motivated I feel. So after careful consideration, I just left it blank, and I guess people can decide for themselves what that blank should be.

What exactly am I planning to write here? I actually don't have a clue. I guess it's hard to just come up with one theme. I feel like the possibilities are endless: growing up as an illegal immigrant, enduring endless economic hardships, coming to terms with my sexuality, growing as a Christian, struggling as a gay Christian, things I'm learning in medical school (and in life), etc. Hopefully these topics are not boring, and even if they are, I still need to write them down.

I'm hoping that a few years down the line, I'm able to see growth and maturity if i ever get a chance to read through my posts. I'm also hoping to learn things from fellow bloggers, learning from those who lead very different lives from me, and encountering those who share similarities.

I used to have a separate blog, and am also very active on facebook, but it's been difficult not being able to post anything that is gay related, but I am, unfortunately, not out to my parents and am trying to avoid family friends learning about my "other" life. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to be open about everything. Until then, I'll write things here.