I'm not even sure where to start with this post. If I were to pinpoint a point when I realized I was gay...I guess I wouldn't be able to. Maybe a retrospective look on my thoughts growing up will help (it probably won't but at least this forces me to think)
My childhood was pretty "normal". I use the term normal loosely because I'm pretty sure it was different in a number of aspects, but I don't think there was really anything out of the ordinary. I think one thing that did play a large influence on my upbringing was the fact that I had an older sister, and all of my family friends were girls. So instead of the usual playing basketball, and other sports that's supposed to make a guy masculine, I played indoor games with them (a lot of board games). The only sport I did get into competitively (will elaborate on a future post) was volleyball, and I guess the common belief is that it's a very feminine sport. And the only reason I got into it was because my family friends were into it.
I feel like the groups of friends I had growing up also played a large role. It's weird, because in elementary school, most of my closest friends were guys. We would play video games all the time, go to the movies, etc. In middle school, for some reason (again maybe it was because of all the girls in my life) I hung out with girls a lot more. I did have a couple of close guy friends, but I think when it came down to hanging out, I would hangout with girls a lot more. In high school, I guess I didn't have a choice but to hangout with a majority girls because my hs consisted of 70% girls and 30% guys. In my close group of friends, there were 4-5 guys, and about 15 girls....so yea it was difficult. Alright I'm not sure why I got into analyzing my groups of friends, but hopefully everything ties together well.
In terms of relationships, I had a couple of "girlfriends" in middle school and high school. Using the term loosely again cause they were all short term. I guess looking back, I was never really sexually attracted to any of them. But I was comfortable and compatible with them, and there was definitely an emotional/mental connection. I guess those aren't enough to get a relationship going, especially in teenage years.
Did I know on a certain level that I was gay? Probably. Did I suppress it tremendously? Most definitely. Was I aware of this suppression? Most likely not. You see, when I was attracted to other guys, I think it was more the wanting of close male friends. I wasn't the most masculine guy growing up, and got along with girls just fine, but I still felt a need (and want) to have close guy friends and just do guy stuff. So I guess I subconsciously convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to them. Instead, it was my attraction to having close male friends.
Fast forward to college. I went to an extremely liberal college (Brown) and looking back, it should have been the place at which I would be the most comfortable coming out. But how could I when I wasn't even sure of my own feelings. I hooked up with a number of girls, but could never sleep with any of them (I should have gotten the hint then huh?). My desire for close male friends also seemed to take over, and somehow, most of my friends from college ended up being guys. Also, I was very involved in the Asian community at school, and Asians tend to be a lot more close minded when it came to things like homosexuality. I guess that led to more suppression of my feelings.
My faith also played a role in this suppression. I'll probably talk about my religious life another time (it's way too long) but I was very involved in fellowships in high school and college. In fact, I helped lead both groups. So how would I be able to come out when it's such a taboo topic in the church? There were many many many times when I would pray about this. If all things were possible through God, then surely he can allow me to become attracted to girls. Fortunately, with time, I began to accept the fact that hey, I might have been made this way for a reason. I'm not quite sure what my purpose is, but to me, there was a reason I was gay. It's all part of God's plan.
I finally decided towards the end of senior year that I needed to come out after graduation. I didn't want to risk ruining friendships over my coming out (although none were ruined afterwards) so I thought it would be best to wait until after graduation. I also needed to do it before I started medical school three months after graduation, because I needed to start accepting myself and living a true life. Sure many people were surprised and shocked, but I haven't had a bad reaction. When my friends in med school found out (some didn't realize it until months into school) they didn't think twice of it. It's just a part of who I am.
Alright so I realize this post is incredibly fragmented, but I guess that's a reflection of my current thoughts on my whole discovery of my sexuality. Hopefully future posts will allow me to organize these thoughts and elaborate on many points, but I just wanted to get them out there first. Congratulations if you were able to finish.
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