Not 18 anymore (unfortunately)

For some reason, there are moments when I still think that I'm 18. Perhaps it goes along with my stubbornness (I think this might be my biggest flaw and a trait I need to work on) because I seem to have convinced myself that I can stay 18 forever, and then realize that in a couple of months, I will be 24 (dreading my birthday already).

I am writing about this because a couple of days ago, I injured my shoulder from either the gym and playing volleyball (yes, contrary to popular belief, injuries are pretty common in volleyball haha). Despite this injury, and the excruciating pain that has accompanied it, I forced myself to go to the gym and work around it. I guess it's pretty hard to do that when I need to use my shoulder to lift any kind of weight. If I was a normal person, I would probably have gone to the doctor by now and checked to see if it's alright or if I actually damaged something important....but ironically I hate going to the doctor's office so I've been hoping it heals on its own. I guess I keep thinking back to high school when I would injure something, and since it would heal quickly, I would just ignore the pain. But it seems like I can't do that anymore because my body doesn't seem to heal as quickly. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go to the doctor's but I think if the pain persists for a couple more days, the best thing would be for me to go.

Another incident that has led to my realization of my age: Last weekend I went to visit my high school because one of my teachers/deans/coach retired last year and there was a ceremony to have the gymnasium named after her. It was really great to see a couple of my classmates, and the teachers who surprisingly remembered me (or perhaps it's not that surprising because I was sort of a teacher's pet haha). It was then though when I realized that, wow, it's actually been six years since I've graduated high school and I'm really not young anymore (relatively speaking I guess). This is definitely a difficult topic for me because of my fear/uncomfortable feeling towards aging. It also doesn't help that I will probably not make a decent living until I'm well into my 30s, so I don't really feel like an adult yet. I hope one day though that I am able to fully accept the concept of aging and death. Until then, I guess I'll continue to convince myself that I'm an 18 year old stuck in an (almost) 24 year old body.

The Labryinth

For one of our "how to be a good doctor" courses, we have to choose from about 10 different selectives that we can take. They range from learning about health insurance, to laws involved with healthcare, and to my class, which deals with spirituality in healthcare. It's a pretty laid back class, and we meet every week just to discuss how we may encounter the topic of spirituality when it comes to our patients, and how we can and should deal with these issues. The class is led by a priest who also has a PhD and is the director of the bigger "how to be a good doctor" course.

This past week, our class of ~9 students and our professor went on an outdoor walk. The point of the walk was to just appreciate nature's beauty and to take our minds off of schoolwork (which was difficult considering this past week and the following weeks are going to be insane). At this park we went to, there was a labryinth. I've never actually seen a labyrinth before (I guess I just think of the one in Harry Potter or in Pan's Labyrinth) and I learned that the difference between a maze and a labyrinth is that a maze has dead ends, whereas a labyrinth is one long, windy, path that always leads to the center. The professor then talked about how our life, especially right now, was kind of like a labyrinth. When we walk through the labyrinth, we think that we are going through a lot of twists and turns, but in the end, we always end up at the center. Similarly in med school, or in whatever stage of life someone is at, we think that we will NEVER reach the end goal because we're faced with so many different obstacles and what we think are dead ends. The reality is that we always end up reaching the "center" whether that is reaching our goals, getting a job, or finishing med school and finally becoming a physician. It requires one to look at the bigger picture though and have a better perspective.

When I took this photo from above, I was able to clearly trace the path from the beginning (outside) to the center. But I can imagine that if I were actually walking this path, the center/end would have seemed so far away and impossible to reach. It's just another reminder that of how important it is to take a step back and see the bigger pictures.

Halfway Through

I can't believe spring break is already half over. I guess I lost a day by coming to Korea (flight + time difference) but it still feels like it's flown by.
I do need some time to reflect on my trip so far and hopefully writing it down will help.
So far, I've been spending a lot of time with family. The day I arrived, my entire mom's side gathered together for dinner. It was actually the first time in my life that we (all my cousins, aunts and uncles) got together at one place, which was a good feeling. I haven't seen some of these people since I was in the 6th grade...so I guess 12 years ago? Damn time flies. They were all commenting on how I don't look like a boy anymore (I guess that means I look old now haha) and how they were all surprised by much more proficient in Korean I became (when I was younger, I only knew simple phrases).
While interacting with my family, I couldn't stop thinking about how different my life would be if my family had never immigrated to the states. Would I still be in med school? Would I be able to accept my true identity and come out? I think about these for a couple of reasons. Everyone in my family, even my cousins who work now, lead very humble lives. Most of them didn't get to go to college, and don't have jobs that pay too well. It's not that my family members aren't smart enough, but most of them didn't have time to study so that they could support each other. High school here is also extremely cutthroat, so if you weren't the best of the best, you didn't really stand a chance of going to a worthwhile college. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm able to come back to Korea while having a stable job as a physician (hopefully) and be able to buy my family members things.
I also have yet to see a single gay couple here. Maybe I'm hanging out in the wrong/conservative areas but I think Koreans in general aren't too receptive of gays here so...everyone's just in the closet. It's also extremely difficult to tell if anyone is gay because all the guys here dress very...metrosexually? Everyone wears super super tight skinny jeans and have handbags. Maybe in a decade Koreans will get more open minded.
Finally, spending time in Korea has made me realize just how lonely I am and just how much I want a boyfriend. When I visited jeju island for the past 3 days, all I noticed around me were couples. Couples in Korea are also super super pda-advocates. Everyone wears matching clothes and try to do cutesy things in public. I'm not the biggest fan of PDA but I would like to do some things with my boyfriend in the future.