My Story

So for church this past Sunday, the sermon focused on the importance of telling our story, the story referring to our journey as Christians. Even if we may think our personal experiences are meaningless or insignificant, the pastor told us that it may impact the life of a single person, and that would make all the difference. So here's my story (it may be pretty disorganized and really long):

The first religious experience I had was when I was around 7 or 8. A close family friend had their own church, so I remember being in a play for Christmas. Not the clearest memory, but I do remember the general story of Jesus (as presented in the Bible). My family wasn't that religious, even though my extended family were devout Christians. I remember one time when I was really young, one of my older cousins told me that if I didn't believe in God and Jesus, I would go to hell. Sure that scared me a little bit, but I wasn't completely convinced.
When I was around 9, my parents started going to a Buddhist temple, and of course, I had to follow. I can't say that I completely understood the religion, but I partook in the rituals and slowly began to understand the beliefs. I think I've always believed in the afterlife and the existence of souls, but I was very unsure about a lot of things. What actually happens when we die? Do our actions in this life make a difference? Yea, the average kid probably thinks about other things, but these thoughts entered my mind on a daily basis.
After going to the Buddhist temple (at this point my parents have fully converted and I guess I considered myself a Buddhist too) for about 3-4 years, I was still pretty confused about the same ol things. Basically, I felt uneasy and not at peace. At the end of eighth grade, one of my closest friends, who is a pastor's kid, invited me to her church's youth group service. Actually the first time I went, I was sorta tricked cause I essentially went to play volleyball haha. But in my first youth group service, I just felt at peace. I knew I wasn't fully aware of all the Christian beliefs, and I was still confused about my own beliefs, but something just felt natural and right.
Since my first time attending church, I basically went every week. I just wanted to learn more. It also helped that there were a lot more people my age at church versus the temple (but by not means the main reason why I kept going to church). Unfortunately, during this time that I went to church on Saturdays, my parents had no idea where I was, and this happened for a good 1 1/2 years. I told them that I was just hanging out with friends (I know I'm such a rebel, lying to my parents about going to church). I would go to the temple on Sundays and church on Saturdays. I would also pray to both God and Buddha (I'm pretty sure this wasn't the right thing to do haha). But again I just needed answers.
It wasn't until the eleventh grade when I decided to become baptized. I was given permission by my parents to go to church (my parents are pretty laid back) just as long as I wouldn't make an effort to convert them. Again, it's hard to describe exactly why I converted, but Christianity felt right for me. It gave me a purpose for living and most of all, it gave me peace.
It would be a lie if I said my journey since then has been amazing. But I will say that the end result (so far) has been great. I've met some amazing, inspirational people and have been involved in some life changing experiences. I feel like my biggest gift from God is my ability to socialize and to get people to feel comfortable. Due to the realization of this gift, I became heavily involved in christian fellowships, both in high school, and in college. Actually even in med school right now I'm involved. I may not be the most knowledgeable person regarding the Bible, but I think it's important to allow people to feel comfortable in a fellowship, especially those who are seeking. I went on two missions trips in college, one to Chicago and one to Mexico, and both experiences made me realize how vast God's love is and how important it is for us to help those in need.

My biggest struggle with Christianity was, and is, my sexuality. I guess a small part of me always knew, but for a number of reasons, Christian beliefs being one of them, I repressed those feelings and decided the best thing to do was to act straight and do my best to live a straight life. Who knew how difficult that actually would be. It was hard knowing how I actually felt, and then hearing sermons that condemn homosexuality. I've spent many a nights awake, angry at God for the way I turned out. I prayed and prayed that if possible, to allow me to be straight. I thought it would be easier in college, but I think that's when I repressed my feelings the most. Even though the campus was extremely liberal, I still thought it was a choice and something I could change through prayer. In sophomore year, I actually had my first experience with a guy (something I'll write about soon), who was actually someone in my suite, but I forced myself to disregard those feelings and to distance myself from that guy. This led me to pray even harder. In senior year, I had heard that in another fellowship, a girl was asked to resign from her role as a student leader because she had recently come out of the closet. I wasn't even sure exactly how I felt about that, but I know that I was disturbed.This pushed me even deeper into the closet. I didn't want to lose my friends, my community and my role as a leader among other Christian students.

As I look back, I realize that God has constantly reminded me of the right thing to do. Throughout college, the pastors I've met and the mentors I've had always emphasized one thing about Christianity: the importance of love. Christians are not called to condemn others or judge others, but are called to love. To love God and to love each other. Even if I was to come out of the closet, I knew that God would still love me. And I also came to discover that everyone in my life would love me as me, without any regard of my sexuality. Now, I believe that God did not make a mistake in making me gay. There's a purpose, which is something I am trying to discover haha. Perhaps God made gay people to force people to love everyone? Who knows if we'll ever have the answer, but I am grateful that God has given me the strength to come out and be happy. I still have to work on coming out to my parents, but I know that it'll be good in the end.

So yea, that's a general outline of my story. Congrats if you actually read through it. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my story, but I think it has the essential aspects. I will always continue to struggle in life, but I am happy to know that my foundation and my beliefs will remain solid.

Please turn your head and cough...

Yesterday was the first time that our class learned how to do the rectal and male genital exam. A lot of people in the class were pretty nervous about it, but I guess I didn't really see much difference in this exam and any other physical exam that we're taught. Or maybe it's cause I'm gay and I don't see anything wrong with sticking things in the ass? (that's definitely a joke). But I think everyone had a great experience with it.

It was essentially 5-6 students in a small room with a standardized patient, who's had training on how to teach students as we're performing the exam on them. They were (or I guess they had to be) very comfortable with their bodies and took us through a step by step approach, starting from just observing things to testing for inguinal hernias and ending with the prostate exam.

This also ties into my recent interest in urology. We haven't started the reproductive system yet (I think that's next) but we do have interest group meetings, and after going to one on urology, it seemed pretty interesting. I think I've always wanted to do surgery, but the lifestyle was a complete turnoff. Apparently, urologists have one of the better lifestyles out of all the surgical specialties, and there really aren't that many urology related emergencies that require you to work late at night/early morning. I'm hoping my comfortable mood yesterday will help me with the specialty too. There's still the six years of residency that I'm not looking forward to....

Pro___?

Once every other week, we have a class that focuses on topics that physicians must be aware of, mainly dealing with ethical dilemmas that physicians face. Med students call this class "how to be a good doctor" and some don't really think much of it, but it's a nice break from all the studying.
Today's topic involved abortion. Not really whether or not we were prolife or prochoice, but whether or not doctors have a duty to treat everyone, even if goes against the doctor's views. For example, do we believe that OB/GYNs have a responsibility as physicians to perform abortions, or does his or her conscience and beliefs overrule this obligation to the patient.

Although my beliefs aren't as strong and solidified as I would want them to be, I know I would not be comfortable with performing abortions. I do believe that a life starts at conception, and even though a woman has rights to her body, the fetus also has rights as well. BUT this does not mean that I condone abortion, nor do i think that legislation should be passed that prohibits abortion. It's like saying, "Oh since lying is a sin, then it should be illegal to lie" or "It's a sin to be gay, so laws should be passed that limits the rights of gays"....oh wait I guess some ridiculous people say that...Anyways, I think that if (for some crazy reason) I went into OB/GYN and was asked by a patient to perform an abortion, the right decision would be to refer her to a colleague that is comfortable with it. If I wouldn't be comfortable performing an abortion, I think that it would also affect my performance of the procedure, which isn't fair to the patient. 

The other topic that arose from this discussion was the decision of some physicians to terminate relations with a patient if there is a lack of compliance. For example, there are pulmonologists who refuse to see certain patients if, after a number of sessions and talks, the patient refuses to quit smoking. Or, in another example, a physician stops treating an obese patient if that patient makes no effort to lose weight. Although I can't say for sure what my decision would be, I think I sort of agree with this train of thought. The physician-patient relationship is a two way street, and I don't think it's right for patients to abuse medications if they are not willing to change their lifestyles and habits. It's truly a waste of energy and money on the healthcare system (I'll probably talk about fitness and dieting in a future post). I don't think I would discontinue relationships with a patient as a punishment or as an act that abuses power, but if I felt that the connection/chemistry was not there, and if that patient would benefit from the counseling of another competent physician, I think referring that patient is the right thing to do. Of course I would do my best to steer that patient in the right direction, but one can only do so much.