Since I haven't been that great at updating my blog, this post is going to jump around from topic to topic...sorry if it's confusing.
So in my search to try to be more active in my dating scene, I actually dled grindr on my phone...and let's just say it's been interesting. No I actually haven't met up with any of the guys that I talked to, but it's definitely opened my eyes. The first thing I've noticed was, WOW, there are a lot of creepers/weirdos out there. Some people also don't know how to take no for an answer...making themselves sound a little stalkerish..Another thing I've noticed is the importance of showing some skin on the picture. For awhile, I just had a face picture up, and, even though I would get messages from some guys, it definitely wasn't too many. I decided then to put up a picture of my face and, of course, my shirtless torso. As soon as I posted that picture, I feel like the number of guys who've messaged me has tripled (yes, including the weirdos). I mean I guess I should be slightly flattered, but then it got me thinking...uh, is my face ugly? haha. but I mean honestly, do I have to forever maintain a decent body to be considered attractive?! I guess everyone has their own preference. Since I'm not the hooking up type, grindr does seem like a waste of time, but I'll just keep it around for fun?
Onto the next topic of my school/rotation life. Medicine is still pretty difficult. I work on average 11-12 hours a day and when I'm home, I try to stay on top of the readings and try to prepare for the next day. It's basically forced me to just think about medicine 24/7, which is not a great life to have. I am liking the rotation though, despite the long hours and the fact that we spend so much time rounding on patients! I like the whole, trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient and bouncing ideas off of everyone on the team. I've also been surprising myself on how much information I've been able to retain from the first two years, but of course, there are endless amount of questions I get wrong when I get pimped from the attending. I do feel like I have a good relationship with everyone on my team, and I'm hoping my evaluations reflect that. Yes, I'm still doing my best to get honors in every rotation (I was able to get it in peds!) so I guess I'm just gonna have to continue to work hard. On a side note though, I will NEVER ever throw a fellow classmate under the bus or do anything else that would make me look better than them, I'll never be that desperate for a better grade. Unfortunately, some of my classmates don't share this sentiment, and are completely unaware of how much everyone else despises them.
Finally, I went to church today for the first time in awhile. I don't really like going to church when I'm back home, especially since I don't really have a home church, so while I was on peds, it was difficult for me to routinely go to church. I do feel like I have a church to call my own when I'm out near my school, so I'm really glad I was able to go back today and realize how much I've needed some time with God. It's been so easy for me to get caught up with school/rotations that I just put my faith and my relationship with God on the side, so it was a great reminder to me that there are more important things in life than school. Hopefully this reminder doesn't go down the drain as soon as the work week starts tomorrow.
Anyways, hope everyone enjoyed their summer and are soaking up the last few days of sunny, nice weather!
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
My Story
So for church this past Sunday, the sermon focused on the importance of telling our story, the story referring to our journey as Christians. Even if we may think our personal experiences are meaningless or insignificant, the pastor told us that it may impact the life of a single person, and that would make all the difference. So here's my story (it may be pretty disorganized and really long):
The first religious experience I had was when I was around 7 or 8. A close family friend had their own church, so I remember being in a play for Christmas. Not the clearest memory, but I do remember the general story of Jesus (as presented in the Bible). My family wasn't that religious, even though my extended family were devout Christians. I remember one time when I was really young, one of my older cousins told me that if I didn't believe in God and Jesus, I would go to hell. Sure that scared me a little bit, but I wasn't completely convinced.
When I was around 9, my parents started going to a Buddhist temple, and of course, I had to follow. I can't say that I completely understood the religion, but I partook in the rituals and slowly began to understand the beliefs. I think I've always believed in the afterlife and the existence of souls, but I was very unsure about a lot of things. What actually happens when we die? Do our actions in this life make a difference? Yea, the average kid probably thinks about other things, but these thoughts entered my mind on a daily basis.
After going to the Buddhist temple (at this point my parents have fully converted and I guess I considered myself a Buddhist too) for about 3-4 years, I was still pretty confused about the same ol things. Basically, I felt uneasy and not at peace. At the end of eighth grade, one of my closest friends, who is a pastor's kid, invited me to her church's youth group service. Actually the first time I went, I was sorta tricked cause I essentially went to play volleyball haha. But in my first youth group service, I just felt at peace. I knew I wasn't fully aware of all the Christian beliefs, and I was still confused about my own beliefs, but something just felt natural and right.
Since my first time attending church, I basically went every week. I just wanted to learn more. It also helped that there were a lot more people my age at church versus the temple (but by not means the main reason why I kept going to church). Unfortunately, during this time that I went to church on Saturdays, my parents had no idea where I was, and this happened for a good 1 1/2 years. I told them that I was just hanging out with friends (I know I'm such a rebel, lying to my parents about going to church). I would go to the temple on Sundays and church on Saturdays. I would also pray to both God and Buddha (I'm pretty sure this wasn't the right thing to do haha). But again I just needed answers.
It wasn't until the eleventh grade when I decided to become baptized. I was given permission by my parents to go to church (my parents are pretty laid back) just as long as I wouldn't make an effort to convert them. Again, it's hard to describe exactly why I converted, but Christianity felt right for me. It gave me a purpose for living and most of all, it gave me peace.
It would be a lie if I said my journey since then has been amazing. But I will say that the end result (so far) has been great. I've met some amazing, inspirational people and have been involved in some life changing experiences. I feel like my biggest gift from God is my ability to socialize and to get people to feel comfortable. Due to the realization of this gift, I became heavily involved in christian fellowships, both in high school, and in college. Actually even in med school right now I'm involved. I may not be the most knowledgeable person regarding the Bible, but I think it's important to allow people to feel comfortable in a fellowship, especially those who are seeking. I went on two missions trips in college, one to Chicago and one to Mexico, and both experiences made me realize how vast God's love is and how important it is for us to help those in need.
My biggest struggle with Christianity was, and is, my sexuality. I guess a small part of me always knew, but for a number of reasons, Christian beliefs being one of them, I repressed those feelings and decided the best thing to do was to act straight and do my best to live a straight life. Who knew how difficult that actually would be. It was hard knowing how I actually felt, and then hearing sermons that condemn homosexuality. I've spent many a nights awake, angry at God for the way I turned out. I prayed and prayed that if possible, to allow me to be straight. I thought it would be easier in college, but I think that's when I repressed my feelings the most. Even though the campus was extremely liberal, I still thought it was a choice and something I could change through prayer. In sophomore year, I actually had my first experience with a guy (something I'll write about soon), who was actually someone in my suite, but I forced myself to disregard those feelings and to distance myself from that guy. This led me to pray even harder. In senior year, I had heard that in another fellowship, a girl was asked to resign from her role as a student leader because she had recently come out of the closet. I wasn't even sure exactly how I felt about that, but I know that I was disturbed.This pushed me even deeper into the closet. I didn't want to lose my friends, my community and my role as a leader among other Christian students.
As I look back, I realize that God has constantly reminded me of the right thing to do. Throughout college, the pastors I've met and the mentors I've had always emphasized one thing about Christianity: the importance of love. Christians are not called to condemn others or judge others, but are called to love. To love God and to love each other. Even if I was to come out of the closet, I knew that God would still love me. And I also came to discover that everyone in my life would love me as me, without any regard of my sexuality. Now, I believe that God did not make a mistake in making me gay. There's a purpose, which is something I am trying to discover haha. Perhaps God made gay people to force people to love everyone? Who knows if we'll ever have the answer, but I am grateful that God has given me the strength to come out and be happy. I still have to work on coming out to my parents, but I know that it'll be good in the end.
So yea, that's a general outline of my story. Congrats if you actually read through it. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my story, but I think it has the essential aspects. I will always continue to struggle in life, but I am happy to know that my foundation and my beliefs will remain solid.
The first religious experience I had was when I was around 7 or 8. A close family friend had their own church, so I remember being in a play for Christmas. Not the clearest memory, but I do remember the general story of Jesus (as presented in the Bible). My family wasn't that religious, even though my extended family were devout Christians. I remember one time when I was really young, one of my older cousins told me that if I didn't believe in God and Jesus, I would go to hell. Sure that scared me a little bit, but I wasn't completely convinced.
When I was around 9, my parents started going to a Buddhist temple, and of course, I had to follow. I can't say that I completely understood the religion, but I partook in the rituals and slowly began to understand the beliefs. I think I've always believed in the afterlife and the existence of souls, but I was very unsure about a lot of things. What actually happens when we die? Do our actions in this life make a difference? Yea, the average kid probably thinks about other things, but these thoughts entered my mind on a daily basis.
After going to the Buddhist temple (at this point my parents have fully converted and I guess I considered myself a Buddhist too) for about 3-4 years, I was still pretty confused about the same ol things. Basically, I felt uneasy and not at peace. At the end of eighth grade, one of my closest friends, who is a pastor's kid, invited me to her church's youth group service. Actually the first time I went, I was sorta tricked cause I essentially went to play volleyball haha. But in my first youth group service, I just felt at peace. I knew I wasn't fully aware of all the Christian beliefs, and I was still confused about my own beliefs, but something just felt natural and right.
Since my first time attending church, I basically went every week. I just wanted to learn more. It also helped that there were a lot more people my age at church versus the temple (but by not means the main reason why I kept going to church). Unfortunately, during this time that I went to church on Saturdays, my parents had no idea where I was, and this happened for a good 1 1/2 years. I told them that I was just hanging out with friends (I know I'm such a rebel, lying to my parents about going to church). I would go to the temple on Sundays and church on Saturdays. I would also pray to both God and Buddha (I'm pretty sure this wasn't the right thing to do haha). But again I just needed answers.
It wasn't until the eleventh grade when I decided to become baptized. I was given permission by my parents to go to church (my parents are pretty laid back) just as long as I wouldn't make an effort to convert them. Again, it's hard to describe exactly why I converted, but Christianity felt right for me. It gave me a purpose for living and most of all, it gave me peace.
It would be a lie if I said my journey since then has been amazing. But I will say that the end result (so far) has been great. I've met some amazing, inspirational people and have been involved in some life changing experiences. I feel like my biggest gift from God is my ability to socialize and to get people to feel comfortable. Due to the realization of this gift, I became heavily involved in christian fellowships, both in high school, and in college. Actually even in med school right now I'm involved. I may not be the most knowledgeable person regarding the Bible, but I think it's important to allow people to feel comfortable in a fellowship, especially those who are seeking. I went on two missions trips in college, one to Chicago and one to Mexico, and both experiences made me realize how vast God's love is and how important it is for us to help those in need.
My biggest struggle with Christianity was, and is, my sexuality. I guess a small part of me always knew, but for a number of reasons, Christian beliefs being one of them, I repressed those feelings and decided the best thing to do was to act straight and do my best to live a straight life. Who knew how difficult that actually would be. It was hard knowing how I actually felt, and then hearing sermons that condemn homosexuality. I've spent many a nights awake, angry at God for the way I turned out. I prayed and prayed that if possible, to allow me to be straight. I thought it would be easier in college, but I think that's when I repressed my feelings the most. Even though the campus was extremely liberal, I still thought it was a choice and something I could change through prayer. In sophomore year, I actually had my first experience with a guy (something I'll write about soon), who was actually someone in my suite, but I forced myself to disregard those feelings and to distance myself from that guy. This led me to pray even harder. In senior year, I had heard that in another fellowship, a girl was asked to resign from her role as a student leader because she had recently come out of the closet. I wasn't even sure exactly how I felt about that, but I know that I was disturbed.This pushed me even deeper into the closet. I didn't want to lose my friends, my community and my role as a leader among other Christian students.
As I look back, I realize that God has constantly reminded me of the right thing to do. Throughout college, the pastors I've met and the mentors I've had always emphasized one thing about Christianity: the importance of love. Christians are not called to condemn others or judge others, but are called to love. To love God and to love each other. Even if I was to come out of the closet, I knew that God would still love me. And I also came to discover that everyone in my life would love me as me, without any regard of my sexuality. Now, I believe that God did not make a mistake in making me gay. There's a purpose, which is something I am trying to discover haha. Perhaps God made gay people to force people to love everyone? Who knows if we'll ever have the answer, but I am grateful that God has given me the strength to come out and be happy. I still have to work on coming out to my parents, but I know that it'll be good in the end.
So yea, that's a general outline of my story. Congrats if you actually read through it. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my story, but I think it has the essential aspects. I will always continue to struggle in life, but I am happy to know that my foundation and my beliefs will remain solid.
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