So for those of you who've been reading this blog (yes i know, not many haha) you know that I am pretty comfortable with my sexual identity. I made the decision to come out two years ago after graduating college, and since then, I've become increasingly comfortable living in my own skin. I had no problem telling people in med school that I'm gay, and when people would ask, I wouldn't deny it.
But for the past month during rotations, I think I've been finding it harder to tell people that I'm gay. And by people I mean the people I work with. Of course my classmates with whom I rotate know, but none of the interns/residents/students from other schools/nurses know. So whenever they make a comment that assumes that I'm heterosexual (ie "oh you'll understand when you get a wife") I don't make an effort to correct them. I think underneath it all, I'm afraid of the fact that my superiors or the people I work are actually homophobic, so they'll treat me differently when they find out that I'm gay.
Is it wrong of me to not correct them and tell them that I'm gay? Am I not proud enough to declare my sexual identity? I guess I'm also frustrated that people automatically assume that I'm straight because I'm a guy who doesn't act or dress flamboyantly. As health care workers, shouldn't we be more sensitive? I mean, in med school, we're taught over and over again never to use questions like "do you have a husband/wife?" because it assumes the patient's sexual identity and can possibly make them uncomfortable. Well if that's the case, then shouldn't we apply this idea to everyday life? Maybe one day people will be more aware of these differences. And maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to correct others.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
That week flew by!
I worked for the last six days (had weekend call yesterday) but somehow it felt like the week flew by! I've also begun to have some new insights towards peds. I guess I didn't enjoy it as much in the first two weeks because I was starting a new rotation (and a new year), didn't really know what I was supposed to do on the floor, and felt like I had to be at the top of my game to impress my superiors (aka the people who are determining my grade). This past week was different though. I didn't mind waking up at 5:30 in the morning to go to work and also didn't mind staying late to see some extra cases. I now feel like I know what my responsibilities and tasks are and I think I'm doing them well. We had to get mid-rotation evaluations from the interns and residents, and, to my surprise, I guess I'm doing a great job (hopefully I don't sound cocky by saying this, just stating what happened lol). After hearing the feedback, I feel like I'm a lot more comfortable on the floor and around all the residents; I can crack jokes on them now, and vice versa. One of the senior residents also said that I was practically like an intern, which was sorta cool to hear.
With this new perspective, towards the end of the week, I started to really evaluate whether or not I am interested in peds (taking all of these feelings about the environment and my performance out of it). So far, there are 3 main reasons why I don't think I can go into peds:
1. I really don't like seeing kids sick. I mean I don't really like to see anyone being sick, but seeing a kid's (especially a baby's) small body, looking helpless on the bed, really struck a chord with me (in a bad way). There were two patients this week who had mental retardation and seizure disorders, and I just felt horrible standing there and seeing how their lives are pretty much determined for them.
2. Anything to do with needles and kids/babies. There was one baby who we had to try to place an IV in 5 different locations! It took three people (including myself), and an hour to finally place the IV. I'm just not sure I want to be spending that much time doing these kinds of tasks...and again watching the kids cry and bawl as we try to do so.
3. Being unable to talk to babies/kids directly and having to communicate through parents, especially RUDE parents. Enough said.
I still have 5 more weeks so I'm just gonna try to put everything in perspective.
Finally, I just have to make a comment on the recent events that occurred in Colorado. To say that this event is a tragedy is an understatement. I can't even begin to understand what went through that man's mind as he planned to shoot down tens of people at random, and end up killing 12 of them. I am curious to know what the investigators discover as they interrogate this man, and exactly what his motives were. I mean, he ended up killing a 6 year old child for goodness sake.
I was also displeased with some of the reactions people had after the event. I remember reading one article in the Huffington Post where one man believed that events like this highlight America's gradual shift against Christianity (basically stating if Christian values were being upheld, these events would not have happened). I just don't think this is an appropriate time or place to have those kinds of discussions. It also just reminds me of the hypocrisy that exists within the Christians community (and pretty much those of all other religions).
Alright time to hit the books. I've been having the hardest time going back into the routine of studying like I did for the boards, but considering that the peds shelf is supposedly the hardest, I should probably change this.
With this new perspective, towards the end of the week, I started to really evaluate whether or not I am interested in peds (taking all of these feelings about the environment and my performance out of it). So far, there are 3 main reasons why I don't think I can go into peds:
1. I really don't like seeing kids sick. I mean I don't really like to see anyone being sick, but seeing a kid's (especially a baby's) small body, looking helpless on the bed, really struck a chord with me (in a bad way). There were two patients this week who had mental retardation and seizure disorders, and I just felt horrible standing there and seeing how their lives are pretty much determined for them.
2. Anything to do with needles and kids/babies. There was one baby who we had to try to place an IV in 5 different locations! It took three people (including myself), and an hour to finally place the IV. I'm just not sure I want to be spending that much time doing these kinds of tasks...and again watching the kids cry and bawl as we try to do so.
3. Being unable to talk to babies/kids directly and having to communicate through parents, especially RUDE parents. Enough said.
I still have 5 more weeks so I'm just gonna try to put everything in perspective.
Finally, I just have to make a comment on the recent events that occurred in Colorado. To say that this event is a tragedy is an understatement. I can't even begin to understand what went through that man's mind as he planned to shoot down tens of people at random, and end up killing 12 of them. I am curious to know what the investigators discover as they interrogate this man, and exactly what his motives were. I mean, he ended up killing a 6 year old child for goodness sake.
I was also displeased with some of the reactions people had after the event. I remember reading one article in the Huffington Post where one man believed that events like this highlight America's gradual shift against Christianity (basically stating if Christian values were being upheld, these events would not have happened). I just don't think this is an appropriate time or place to have those kinds of discussions. It also just reminds me of the hypocrisy that exists within the Christians community (and pretty much those of all other religions).
Alright time to hit the books. I've been having the hardest time going back into the routine of studying like I did for the boards, but considering that the peds shelf is supposedly the hardest, I should probably change this.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Gotta Impress...
Ive been on my peds rotation (my first rotation) for only 2 weeks and 2 days and I think the most important thing I've learned is that as a student, my job is to impress people. It's actually kinda sad, because at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I've accomplished the full extent to what my job entitles. I should explain...
Even before rotations started, I guess I was super eager to go around the hospital talking to patients and really helping people. Instead of doing this, I feel like I've been going around the hospital doing other tasks (getting lab results, printing out stuff, etc.). It's not like I have a choice in this because med students just have to do whatever the residents/interns tell them to do. Why? Because we're basically there to make a good impression. Unfortunately, most of our grades are based on the subjective opinions of our superiors. I feel like there's so much luck involved (if you get assigned a nice resident who's generous with grades..then you're pretty much set. if not...then too bad), of which I am not a fan. I understand that doing all the bitch work is a part of learning the system, but I guess I'm disappointed by the end of the day when I've only gotten to speak to my patient for a total of like 10-15 minutes during the day.
I'm just hoping that this is only true because I just started third year, or because I'm at a sub-par teaching hospital for peds. All I'm asking for is more patient interaction and less having my guard up the entire day, waiting for residents to be around so I can try and please them.
Even before rotations started, I guess I was super eager to go around the hospital talking to patients and really helping people. Instead of doing this, I feel like I've been going around the hospital doing other tasks (getting lab results, printing out stuff, etc.). It's not like I have a choice in this because med students just have to do whatever the residents/interns tell them to do. Why? Because we're basically there to make a good impression. Unfortunately, most of our grades are based on the subjective opinions of our superiors. I feel like there's so much luck involved (if you get assigned a nice resident who's generous with grades..then you're pretty much set. if not...then too bad), of which I am not a fan. I understand that doing all the bitch work is a part of learning the system, but I guess I'm disappointed by the end of the day when I've only gotten to speak to my patient for a total of like 10-15 minutes during the day.
I'm just hoping that this is only true because I just started third year, or because I'm at a sub-par teaching hospital for peds. All I'm asking for is more patient interaction and less having my guard up the entire day, waiting for residents to be around so I can try and please them.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Updates
So it's been awhile since I've last written on this. I guess the most effective way to just jot down what's been going on with my life would be to break it down.
Boards (step 1):
Last time I wrote, I began studying for the boards. It was seriously the most intense 5 week period of studying I've ever been through. There were also a number of instances when I really questioned my desire to become a physician. I'm glad I was able to make it through though. I actually got my score two days ago. Ended up getting a 236, which is semi-respectable I guess(?) but it was also slightly disappointing considering how much I studied and how I did on the practice exams. But I'll take my score any day. Now that that component of my residency application has been determined, I'll just have to work hard on the components I can fix.
School/Third Year:
I started my rotations two weeks ago. I wanted to start off with a not as demanding rotation, and a rotation I wasn't too interested in...so I started with pediatrics. I haven't seen too many interesting cases, also because the hospital I'm working at is...kinda crappy. There aren't that many patients on the floor (i'm doing inpatient first) so it's just a lot of standing around. I'll probably comment on the politics of third year/rotations as the year goes on (trying to impress people, always been cautious, etc.). In general though I am happy that I started third year and can actually work with patients now. I am pretty exhausted though at the end of the day, but supposedly we should be studying a couple of hours a day to perform well on the shelf exam =/.
Personal Life/Love Life (or lack thereof):
For some of the rotations, I'm actually living at home in Queens so I guess there are more options to meet guys/go on dates...but the limiting factor is still lack of time. The only free time I get is the weekends...and even then I should be studying or sometimes I have weekend calls...so yea it's been difficult. I am glad that I get to see my hometown friends a lot more though cause I've always been out of the loop for the past two years while living near my med school. I'm just hoping that my dating life actually starts off sometime soon...here's to wishful thinking!
Boards (step 1):
Last time I wrote, I began studying for the boards. It was seriously the most intense 5 week period of studying I've ever been through. There were also a number of instances when I really questioned my desire to become a physician. I'm glad I was able to make it through though. I actually got my score two days ago. Ended up getting a 236, which is semi-respectable I guess(?) but it was also slightly disappointing considering how much I studied and how I did on the practice exams. But I'll take my score any day. Now that that component of my residency application has been determined, I'll just have to work hard on the components I can fix.
School/Third Year:
I started my rotations two weeks ago. I wanted to start off with a not as demanding rotation, and a rotation I wasn't too interested in...so I started with pediatrics. I haven't seen too many interesting cases, also because the hospital I'm working at is...kinda crappy. There aren't that many patients on the floor (i'm doing inpatient first) so it's just a lot of standing around. I'll probably comment on the politics of third year/rotations as the year goes on (trying to impress people, always been cautious, etc.). In general though I am happy that I started third year and can actually work with patients now. I am pretty exhausted though at the end of the day, but supposedly we should be studying a couple of hours a day to perform well on the shelf exam =/.
Personal Life/Love Life (or lack thereof):
For some of the rotations, I'm actually living at home in Queens so I guess there are more options to meet guys/go on dates...but the limiting factor is still lack of time. The only free time I get is the weekends...and even then I should be studying or sometimes I have weekend calls...so yea it's been difficult. I am glad that I get to see my hometown friends a lot more though cause I've always been out of the loop for the past two years while living near my med school. I'm just hoping that my dating life actually starts off sometime soon...here's to wishful thinking!
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