I'm alive!

Wow I realized that I haven't written here in a longgg time. Somehow it's already the second week of July =O.
I don't even know where to begin to update everyone (yes, the many many people who read this haha). I'll just try to break it down by topic?

School
I'm finally a fourth year! I'm currently on my sub-internship right now, which basically means I act like an intern but I still don't get paid and I'm still getting evaluated haha. I'm having a lot of fun though cause I have a lot more responsibilities, like putting in orders for patients. It's pretty tiring though, cause I'm working 12+ hours a day and 6 days a week, including holidays! Just 3 more weeks to go....
I'm definitely nervous about applying to residencies. I don't wanna shoot for the stars too much, but I definitely want to go to a top medicine program, which is gonna take some luck. I feel like I did pretty well my third year (got all honors except for a high pass in surgery) but so do a lot of other third years, especially the ones in my class applying to internal med like me. I guess most of the things are out of my control now and I have to hope that I somehow get interviews.

Dating (?) Life
So I think last time I was all worried about contracting HIV, and I got tested since then, with negative results (thank the lord!). I also ended up dating an awesome guy for a short time but due to differences in where we were in life (I'm still in med school, he's a millionaire who had lots of free time) and because of the fact that I had so little time with school. I'm also beginning to think I suck at being in a relationship. I guess I'm just not the type of guy who needs to text/call someone I like every day to see how they're doing. Is that because I haven't found someone I really like? Or am I just a heartless bastard? bleh. So yea, for now, I am very much single, and focusing a lot more on school (not like I have a choice)

Fitness

Even though I've been busy with school/rotations, I've definitely made it a priority to go to the gym. I get up at like 430 to go to the gym before I go into the hospital. Might sound crazy, but I know that if I get into the routine of not going to the gym, it would be really hard for me to start again. I'm still having trouble with gaining mass but oh well, at least I'm not becoming a couch potato and gaining bad weight. It's probably cause I haven't been able to eat much, as evidenced by the fact that my stomach always growls during rounds haha. Here's a pic I took last week (yes, I know it's douche-y but I like to document my progress, or lack thereof).


Alright I think that's enough updates for now, I'm gonna take another nap cause it's my day off. Actually it's time for me to watch tennis for hours cause I'm obsessed and haven't been able to watch a single match all week. I'll do my best to post more often!

Can't believe it's almost December!

So third year is almost halfway done....can't believe it went by so quickly! I'm currently on my emergency medicine rotation, and I thought I would have liked it more than I do. I guess a part of it is getting used to the flow of the emergency room and the fact that we only have 2 weeks on the rotation (8 shifts). It also doesn't help that we have to get an evaluation from an attending/resident every single shift. Why can't I just learn without being evaluated all the time?!

I did get some good news today, ended up getting an honors in my Medicine rotation! I was pleasantly surprised cause that rotation was hard as hell, some residents/attendings gave me average evaluations, and the shelf exam was seriously harder than any exam I had ever taken (I think harder/more random than step 1). I'm still waiting for my ambulatory (primary care) grade, and obviously I'm hoping that I get an honors there too. I guess I'm pretty stoked cause most of my grades in second year were just "pass" and I think my strengths lie in talking to people/interacting with people rather than studying and taking exams that determine my entire grade. I still have 3 more core rotations to go through so let's hope that the momentum carries over.

Since the last time I wrote, I also had a great date with a guy. The only thing is, I have no idea where things are going with him. He actually came over to my place for our first meeting (yea I know, pretty bold) but as soon as we sat down on my couch, it just felt incredibly comfortable, like I've known this guy for much longer. We did end up fooling around a little bit even though I told myself to take things very slow...but I guess we just got caught up in the moment. The thing that sucks is that both our schedules are so busy that we haven't been able to meet up again. We do still talk, but not as much as we used to and I guess I'm just afraid that he's lost interest (cause I sure haven't). I hate getting my hopes up though, and even though I would love to have this guy as my future boyfriend, I know that relationships take a lot more work than just two people liking each other. It also doesn't help that he lives pretty far. Oh well, I guess I'll see how it goes (and prevent myself from getting too attached, which is what usually happens).

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving break! I think I took ~3 naps on thanksgiving day, and it was glorious! I've never slept that much in a long time. It was nice to just relax and enjoy good company with my family while eating great food. Unfortunately, my break got cut short cause they scheduled me to do two ER shifts this past weekend. Sorta sucked cause I had a lot of plans with friends from back home, but what are you gonna do? I've also been hitting the gym a lot more lately. I gave in and started taking creatine cause I feel like I've hit a plateau and haven't been able to gain anymore weight after hitting 150-155 pounds. This is what my body looked like a month ago (warning, another tool picture coming up)-->
Hopefully there will be some changes in a couple of months!

Alright, until the next update!

Sandy, the homewrecker...and other updates (warning, long post)

So as most people across the nation know, the northeast was hit pretty hard by hurricane/tropical storm Sandy. I feel like a lot of people didn't take it too seriously before it hit because there was a lot of hype with hurricane Irene last year..and that wasn't as bad as people thought it would be. Unfortunately, Sandy hit hard, and I feel that a lot of people weren't prepared/expecting it (including myself). I found out late Sunday that my clinical duties for Mon/Tues were cancelled (I'm working in outpatient/primary care at an endocrinology clinic right now) so I was definitely happy cause I still need time to study for the ambulatory and internal med shelfs (standardized exams at the end of rotations). The rain/wind wasn't too bad Sunday night, and Monday morning, I even went to the gym so get a last minute workout in, just in case it wasn't open the following days (and there were actually a lot of people who were at the gym haha). In the afternoon, a few friends came over to study and chill, and at about 4 PM, all the power just went out. I really wasn't prepared because I had one candle, one flashlight, and a ton of (perishable) food in the fridge that I didn't anticipate going bad. I still kept on thinking that the power would come back soon..but it never happened. Turns out, most of LI lost power, the hospital lost power for a short period, which also meant no studying for awhile.

It definitely felt weird being isolated from the outside world with no internet/tv, not knowing really what was going on in the rest of the northeast region. Of course I was pretty antsy all night long, but it felt really good to just not care about anything, and instead, talk to friends and watch movies all night long. I ended up coming back home to queens yesterday cause my parents still had power, and I'm still waiting to see if I have work tomorrow (the clinic still doesn't have power). In the meantime, I'm enjoying some home cooked meals and getting some productive studying in.

The last time I updated, I was still on Internal Medicine (IM). I gotta say..I really enjoyed it. Yea it was a lot of work, and yea there were lots of pimping sessions (where attendings ask students tons of questions and put them on the spot), but I didn't mind it at all. I realized that I really enjoyed IM when I didn't mind staying till 8/9 PM for the shifts. I also realized that I really want to go into gastroenterology. I had a lot of exposure to the field during my rotation and got to see some cool procedures. It's supposed to be a competitive field so I'm trying to get a head start and become involved in some research, which has been hard to do with my third year schedule. One thing that I really hated about IM was the fact that grading seemed so subjective and based on luck. When I would get verbal feedback from my residents/attendings, they would tell me I'm doing a great job and wouldn't really tell me things I should improve on, but in the written evals that count towards my grade, they would only give me a pass or high pass...and some would tell me that they don't give out higher than high passes....Perhaps I'm being too whiny about this, but I know that I want to go into a fairly competitive program in NYC, and I know third year grades matter a lot (basically getting honors). So yea, I guess I just need to rock the hell out of the shelf exam to even have a shot at getting an honors in IM.

In regards to my dating life, it's still been nonexistent. Well not completely. I've been talking to a couple of guys online/texts and we were actually supposed to meet up this week, but due to the hurricane, had to cancel everything. And I guess everyone's priorities revolve around getting power back/cleaning things around/outside the house, so who knows when I'll go on another date. I also met a guy online who ended up coming over to my place (after we talked for weeks)...but I'll have to save that story for another time haha.

Out and Proud? Part II

So a couple of months ago, I wrote a post about my inability to come out at work/rotations because I'm afraid it will affect my grade. I wish I could say that this has changed since then, but it hasn't, and I've actually had a number of experiences where people have just assumed even further that I'm straight.

Today's example actually ticked me off a little bit (actually it ticked me off a lot). This year, our family medicine clerkship got revamped, so instead of a month of family medicine, we have family medicine days one day, every other week, for the entire academic year. They think it'll help with longitudinal relationships with patients (yea..that's not gonna happen).
This also means I'm stuck with one preceptor for the entire year....and to say that I'm having a horrible time with this preceptor is an understatement. I was actually interested in going into family medicine as one of my possible residencies..but this preceptor has deterred me from that decision. I've asked to get placed with another preceptor with no avail (surprise surprise).
The first thing that bothers me about her is the fact that she does not let me see patients on my own before she sees them. It's essentially become like a shadowing program. I'm not learning anything! I've even asked her if I could see the patients first because it's something we're expected to do, but so far, I've only seen one patient on my own (and she interrupted us midway).
The more aggravating thing about her is her unprofessionalism. She always talks to me about patients that irritate her, and of course, I'm not going to say, "please stop being inappropriate" cause she basically determines my entire grade. So I just nod along...
One time, an Indian patient came for a checkup, and afterwards, my preceptor would comment on how much the patient smelled and how she needs to get some air freshener in the room....I mean come on! What kind of physician are you?

Now how does this tie into the whole theme of me not being able to come out at work? Well today, there was a patient who came in cause of an episode of rectal bleeding/blood in his stool that he was worried about. After working up the patient, my preceptor comments on how she forgot to ask him if he's had any anal intercourse. And then she says, to me, "well he seemed like a normal guy so he probably didn't have any. right? he looked like a normal guy, right?". At that moment, I had the urge to say, "so...gay guys aren't normal??" but again, I had to refrain myself, telling myself that this woman will determine my entire grade. Damnit.

Afterwards I began to wonder if she would have said that if she knew that I was gay. I'm tempted to go in in 2 weeks and wear very flamboyant clothing and just show her how gay and fabulous I am...but that's not me and I don't think it's right for her to assume that I'm straight in the first place. Actually, it's not right for her to think that straight sex = normal and gay sex = abnormal. Man, I thought doctors were supposed to be educated!

Take two, Getting the hang of things, and Peace

Since I haven't been that great at updating my blog, this post is going to jump around from topic to topic...sorry if it's confusing.

So in my search to try to be more active in my dating scene, I actually dled grindr on my phone...and let's just say it's been interesting. No I actually haven't met up with any of the guys that I talked to, but it's definitely opened my eyes. The first thing I've noticed was, WOW, there are a lot of creepers/weirdos out there. Some people also don't know how to take no for an answer...making themselves sound a little stalkerish..Another thing I've noticed is the importance of showing some skin on the picture. For awhile, I just had a face picture up, and, even though I would get messages from some guys, it definitely wasn't too many. I decided then to put up a picture of my face and, of course, my shirtless torso. As soon as I posted that picture, I feel like the number of guys who've messaged me has tripled (yes, including the weirdos). I mean I guess I should be slightly flattered, but then it got me thinking...uh, is my face ugly? haha. but I mean honestly, do I have to forever maintain a decent body to be considered attractive?! I guess everyone has their own preference. Since I'm not the hooking up type, grindr does seem like a waste of time, but I'll just keep it around for fun?

Onto the next topic of my school/rotation life. Medicine is still pretty difficult. I work on average 11-12 hours a day and when I'm home, I try to stay on top of the readings and try to prepare for the next day. It's basically forced me to just think about medicine 24/7, which is not a great life to have. I am liking the rotation though, despite the long hours and the fact that we spend so much time rounding on patients! I like the whole, trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient and bouncing ideas off of everyone on the team. I've also been surprising myself on how much information I've been able to retain from the first two years, but of course, there are endless amount of questions I get wrong when I get pimped from the attending. I do feel like I have a good relationship with everyone on my team, and I'm hoping my evaluations reflect that. Yes, I'm still doing my best to get honors in every rotation (I was able to get it in peds!) so I guess I'm just gonna have to continue to work hard. On a side note though, I will NEVER ever throw a fellow classmate under the bus or do anything else that would make me look better than them, I'll never be that desperate for a better grade. Unfortunately, some of my classmates don't share this sentiment, and are completely unaware of how much everyone else despises them.

Finally, I went to church today for the first time in awhile. I don't really like going to church when I'm back home, especially since I don't really have a home church, so while I was on peds, it was difficult for me to routinely go to church. I do feel like I have a church to call my own when I'm out near my school, so I'm really glad I was able to go back today and realize how much I've needed some time with God. It's been so easy for me to get caught up with school/rotations that I just put my faith and my relationship with God on the side, so it was a great reminder to me that there are more important things in life than school. Hopefully this reminder doesn't go down the drain as soon as the work week starts tomorrow.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoyed their summer and are soaking up the last few days of sunny, nice weather!

Out and Proud?

So for those of you who've been reading this blog (yes i know, not many haha) you know that I am pretty comfortable with my sexual identity. I made the decision to come out two years ago after graduating college, and since then, I've become increasingly comfortable living in my own skin. I had no problem telling people in med school that I'm gay, and when people would ask, I wouldn't deny it.
But for the past month during rotations, I think I've been finding it harder to tell people that I'm gay. And by people I mean the people I work with. Of course my classmates with whom I rotate know, but none of the interns/residents/students from other schools/nurses know. So whenever they make a comment that assumes that I'm heterosexual (ie "oh you'll understand when you get a wife") I don't make an effort to correct them. I think underneath it all, I'm afraid of the fact that my superiors or the people I work are actually homophobic, so they'll treat me differently when they find out that I'm gay.
Is it wrong of me to not correct them and tell them that I'm gay? Am I not proud enough to declare my sexual identity? I guess I'm also frustrated that people automatically assume that I'm straight because I'm a guy who doesn't act or dress flamboyantly. As health care workers, shouldn't we be more sensitive? I mean, in med school, we're taught over and over again never to use questions like "do you have a husband/wife?" because it assumes the patient's sexual identity and can possibly make them uncomfortable. Well if that's the case, then shouldn't we apply this idea to everyday life? Maybe one day people will be more aware of these differences. And maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to correct others.

Updates

So it's been awhile since I've last written on this. I guess the most effective way to just jot down what's been going on with my life would be to break it down.
Boards (step 1):
Last time I wrote, I began studying for the boards. It was seriously the most intense 5 week period of studying I've ever been through. There were also a number of instances when I really questioned my desire to become a physician. I'm glad I was able to make it through though. I actually got my score two days ago. Ended up getting a 236, which is semi-respectable I guess(?) but it was also slightly disappointing considering how much I studied and how I did on the practice exams. But I'll take my score any day. Now that that component of my residency application has been determined, I'll just have to work hard on the components I can fix.
School/Third Year:
I started my rotations two weeks ago. I wanted to start off with a not as demanding rotation, and a rotation I wasn't too interested in...so I started with pediatrics. I haven't seen too many interesting cases, also because the hospital I'm working at is...kinda crappy. There aren't that many patients on the floor (i'm doing inpatient first) so it's just a lot of standing around. I'll probably comment on the politics of third year/rotations as the year goes on (trying to impress people, always been cautious, etc.). In general though I am happy that I started third year and can actually work with patients now. I am pretty exhausted though at the end of the day, but supposedly we should be studying a couple of hours a day to perform well on the shelf exam =/.
Personal Life/Love Life (or lack thereof):
For some of the rotations, I'm actually living at home in Queens so I guess there are more options to meet guys/go on dates...but the limiting factor is still lack of time. The only free time I get is the weekends...and even then I should be studying or sometimes I have weekend calls...so yea it's been difficult. I am glad that I get to see my hometown friends a lot more though cause I've always been out of the loop for the past two years while living near my med school. I'm just hoping that my dating life actually starts off sometime soon...here's to wishful thinking!

The three hardest words...

..well, currently, are "I am gay". And they aren't that hard to say to peers, but I've been having the hardest time telling this to my parents.

When I was contemplating coming out 1 1/2 years ago, I thought telling my parents would be pretty easy. They have always been supportive of me, no matter what I wanted to pursue, and they are pretty open minded. I guess there are a number of reasons why I haven't had the balls to come out to them.
Even though I consider their viewpoints to be fairly liberal, they are also very traditional when it comes to certain Korean values and ideals.

Unfortunately, the Korean community is very slow when it comes to being open minded about homosexuality. I basically grew up with the idea that gays didn't exist, or at least in Korea they didn't. It was (and in some parts still is) such a taboo topic, so there was no one I could talk to about my own feelings. The mixture of homophobia with Korean culture, especially in NY, is also something that makes this difficult. Even if my parents were ok with it, I'm not sure how they would feel about other people (family friends) knowing. The Korean community is very infamous for being gossipy and in a matter of days, I feel like news would spread like fire. I've had a couple of conversations with my parents awhile ago on what they thought about the gay community, and they were both pretty chill about it. In their opinion, if two people, regardless of sex, love each other, then that's that. But I have a feeling that things might be different if it was actually someone they know personally.

Finally, I just want to avoid the discussion in general. I don't think I would be able to see the disappointment and shock on their faces when I tell them the news. It also doesn't help that my older sister recently got married, and they've been asking me nonstop when I am going to (I'm only 23!!). The expectations of grandchildren is also there (I mean I want a family but I guess the options are more limited). It's also harder to tell them the news in Korean (they aren't that fluent in English) because I wouldn't know the right words to say in Korean. I consider myself to be pretty fluent, but it's hard to give long explanations (and I think a topic like this requires them). Perhaps I will write them a letter...or is that too impersonal?

Anyone have any thoughts and/or suggestions?

Reasons for this Blog

So for awhile now, I've felt the urge to start a blog as an outlet to just write down all these thoughts in my head. I guess the best place to start is a simple (or my attempt at being simple) introduction.

I'm currently 23 years old, and a second year student at a medical school in NY (hence the douche-y picture, but I swear I'm not a douche in real life). I recently came out (right after graduating college, and before starting med school) and I guess I really can't complain too much about life (other than school of course).

The reason why I named my blog this way, is because I feel like there are a number of words that can fill that blank, and I don't really have one that works perfectly. If it was solely based on identity, I would have put Korean America, Christian, or Gay, but it was hard to choose just one. It it was based on personality, I would have put outgoing, ambitious, humorous, and stubborn, but again, it would be impossible to just choose one. If it was based on what type of medical student I am....well let's just avoid that because I think that changes everyday based on how lazy or motivated I feel. So after careful consideration, I just left it blank, and I guess people can decide for themselves what that blank should be.

What exactly am I planning to write here? I actually don't have a clue. I guess it's hard to just come up with one theme. I feel like the possibilities are endless: growing up as an illegal immigrant, enduring endless economic hardships, coming to terms with my sexuality, growing as a Christian, struggling as a gay Christian, things I'm learning in medical school (and in life), etc. Hopefully these topics are not boring, and even if they are, I still need to write them down.

I'm hoping that a few years down the line, I'm able to see growth and maturity if i ever get a chance to read through my posts. I'm also hoping to learn things from fellow bloggers, learning from those who lead very different lives from me, and encountering those who share similarities.

I used to have a separate blog, and am also very active on facebook, but it's been difficult not being able to post anything that is gay related, but I am, unfortunately, not out to my parents and am trying to avoid family friends learning about my "other" life. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to be open about everything. Until then, I'll write things here.