So for church this past Sunday, the sermon focused on the importance of telling our story, the story referring to our journey as Christians. Even if we may think our personal experiences are meaningless or insignificant, the pastor told us that it may impact the life of a single person, and that would make all the difference. So here's my story (it may be pretty disorganized and really long):
The first religious experience I had was when I was around 7 or 8. A close family friend had their own church, so I remember being in a play for Christmas. Not the clearest memory, but I do remember the general story of Jesus (as presented in the Bible). My family wasn't that religious, even though my extended family were devout Christians. I remember one time when I was really young, one of my older cousins told me that if I didn't believe in God and Jesus, I would go to hell. Sure that scared me a little bit, but I wasn't completely convinced.
When I was around 9, my parents started going to a Buddhist temple, and of course, I had to follow. I can't say that I completely understood the religion, but I partook in the rituals and slowly began to understand the beliefs. I think I've always believed in the afterlife and the existence of souls, but I was very unsure about a lot of things. What actually happens when we die? Do our actions in this life make a difference? Yea, the average kid probably thinks about other things, but these thoughts entered my mind on a daily basis.
After going to the Buddhist temple (at this point my parents have fully converted and I guess I considered myself a Buddhist too) for about 3-4 years, I was still pretty confused about the same ol things. Basically, I felt uneasy and not at peace. At the end of eighth grade, one of my closest friends, who is a pastor's kid, invited me to her church's youth group service. Actually the first time I went, I was sorta tricked cause I essentially went to play volleyball haha. But in my first youth group service, I just felt at peace. I knew I wasn't fully aware of all the Christian beliefs, and I was still confused about my own beliefs, but something just felt natural and right.
Since my first time attending church, I basically went every week. I just wanted to learn more. It also helped that there were a lot more people my age at church versus the temple (but by not means the main reason why I kept going to church). Unfortunately, during this time that I went to church on Saturdays, my parents had no idea where I was, and this happened for a good 1 1/2 years. I told them that I was just hanging out with friends (I know I'm such a rebel, lying to my parents about going to church). I would go to the temple on Sundays and church on Saturdays. I would also pray to both God and Buddha (I'm pretty sure this wasn't the right thing to do haha). But again I just needed answers.
It wasn't until the eleventh grade when I decided to become baptized. I was given permission by my parents to go to church (my parents are pretty laid back) just as long as I wouldn't make an effort to convert them. Again, it's hard to describe exactly why I converted, but Christianity felt right for me. It gave me a purpose for living and most of all, it gave me peace.
It would be a lie if I said my journey since then has been amazing. But I will say that the end result (so far) has been great. I've met some amazing, inspirational people and have been involved in some life changing experiences. I feel like my biggest gift from God is my ability to socialize and to get people to feel comfortable. Due to the realization of this gift, I became heavily involved in christian fellowships, both in high school, and in college. Actually even in med school right now I'm involved. I may not be the most knowledgeable person regarding the Bible, but I think it's important to allow people to feel comfortable in a fellowship, especially those who are seeking. I went on two missions trips in college, one to Chicago and one to Mexico, and both experiences made me realize how vast God's love is and how important it is for us to help those in need.
My biggest struggle with Christianity was, and is, my sexuality. I guess a small part of me always knew, but for a number of reasons, Christian beliefs being one of them, I repressed those feelings and decided the best thing to do was to act straight and do my best to live a straight life. Who knew how difficult that actually would be. It was hard knowing how I actually felt, and then hearing sermons that condemn homosexuality. I've spent many a nights awake, angry at God for the way I turned out. I prayed and prayed that if possible, to allow me to be straight. I thought it would be easier in college, but I think that's when I repressed my feelings the most. Even though the campus was extremely liberal, I still thought it was a choice and something I could change through prayer. In sophomore year, I actually had my first experience with a guy (something I'll write about soon), who was actually someone in my suite, but I forced myself to disregard those feelings and to distance myself from that guy. This led me to pray even harder. In senior year, I had heard that in another fellowship, a girl was asked to resign from her role as a student leader because she had recently come out of the closet. I wasn't even sure exactly how I felt about that, but I know that I was disturbed.This pushed me even deeper into the closet. I didn't want to lose my friends, my community and my role as a leader among other Christian students.
As I look back, I realize that God has constantly reminded me of the right thing to do. Throughout college, the pastors I've met and the mentors I've had always emphasized one thing about Christianity: the importance of love. Christians are not called to condemn others or judge others, but are called to love. To love God and to love each other. Even if I was to come out of the closet, I knew that God would still love me. And I also came to discover that everyone in my life would love me as me, without any regard of my sexuality. Now, I believe that God did not make a mistake in making me gay. There's a purpose, which is something I am trying to discover haha. Perhaps God made gay people to force people to love everyone? Who knows if we'll ever have the answer, but I am grateful that God has given me the strength to come out and be happy. I still have to work on coming out to my parents, but I know that it'll be good in the end.
So yea, that's a general outline of my story. Congrats if you actually read through it. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my story, but I think it has the essential aspects. I will always continue to struggle in life, but I am happy to know that my foundation and my beliefs will remain solid.
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Friday, February 24, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The three hardest words...
..well, currently, are "I am gay". And they aren't that hard to say to peers, but I've been having the hardest time telling this to my parents.
When I was contemplating coming out 1 1/2 years ago, I thought telling my parents would be pretty easy. They have always been supportive of me, no matter what I wanted to pursue, and they are pretty open minded. I guess there are a number of reasons why I haven't had the balls to come out to them.
Even though I consider their viewpoints to be fairly liberal, they are also very traditional when it comes to certain Korean values and ideals.
Unfortunately, the Korean community is very slow when it comes to being open minded about homosexuality. I basically grew up with the idea that gays didn't exist, or at least in Korea they didn't. It was (and in some parts still is) such a taboo topic, so there was no one I could talk to about my own feelings. The mixture of homophobia with Korean culture, especially in NY, is also something that makes this difficult. Even if my parents were ok with it, I'm not sure how they would feel about other people (family friends) knowing. The Korean community is very infamous for being gossipy and in a matter of days, I feel like news would spread like fire. I've had a couple of conversations with my parents awhile ago on what they thought about the gay community, and they were both pretty chill about it. In their opinion, if two people, regardless of sex, love each other, then that's that. But I have a feeling that things might be different if it was actually someone they know personally.
Finally, I just want to avoid the discussion in general. I don't think I would be able to see the disappointment and shock on their faces when I tell them the news. It also doesn't help that my older sister recently got married, and they've been asking me nonstop when I am going to (I'm only 23!!). The expectations of grandchildren is also there (I mean I want a family but I guess the options are more limited). It's also harder to tell them the news in Korean (they aren't that fluent in English) because I wouldn't know the right words to say in Korean. I consider myself to be pretty fluent, but it's hard to give long explanations (and I think a topic like this requires them). Perhaps I will write them a letter...or is that too impersonal?
Anyone have any thoughts and/or suggestions?
When I was contemplating coming out 1 1/2 years ago, I thought telling my parents would be pretty easy. They have always been supportive of me, no matter what I wanted to pursue, and they are pretty open minded. I guess there are a number of reasons why I haven't had the balls to come out to them.
Even though I consider their viewpoints to be fairly liberal, they are also very traditional when it comes to certain Korean values and ideals.
Unfortunately, the Korean community is very slow when it comes to being open minded about homosexuality. I basically grew up with the idea that gays didn't exist, or at least in Korea they didn't. It was (and in some parts still is) such a taboo topic, so there was no one I could talk to about my own feelings. The mixture of homophobia with Korean culture, especially in NY, is also something that makes this difficult. Even if my parents were ok with it, I'm not sure how they would feel about other people (family friends) knowing. The Korean community is very infamous for being gossipy and in a matter of days, I feel like news would spread like fire. I've had a couple of conversations with my parents awhile ago on what they thought about the gay community, and they were both pretty chill about it. In their opinion, if two people, regardless of sex, love each other, then that's that. But I have a feeling that things might be different if it was actually someone they know personally.
Finally, I just want to avoid the discussion in general. I don't think I would be able to see the disappointment and shock on their faces when I tell them the news. It also doesn't help that my older sister recently got married, and they've been asking me nonstop when I am going to (I'm only 23!!). The expectations of grandchildren is also there (I mean I want a family but I guess the options are more limited). It's also harder to tell them the news in Korean (they aren't that fluent in English) because I wouldn't know the right words to say in Korean. I consider myself to be pretty fluent, but it's hard to give long explanations (and I think a topic like this requires them). Perhaps I will write them a letter...or is that too impersonal?
Anyone have any thoughts and/or suggestions?
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Discovering My Sexuality
I'm not even sure where to start with this post. If I were to pinpoint a point when I realized I was gay...I guess I wouldn't be able to. Maybe a retrospective look on my thoughts growing up will help (it probably won't but at least this forces me to think)
My childhood was pretty "normal". I use the term normal loosely because I'm pretty sure it was different in a number of aspects, but I don't think there was really anything out of the ordinary. I think one thing that did play a large influence on my upbringing was the fact that I had an older sister, and all of my family friends were girls. So instead of the usual playing basketball, and other sports that's supposed to make a guy masculine, I played indoor games with them (a lot of board games). The only sport I did get into competitively (will elaborate on a future post) was volleyball, and I guess the common belief is that it's a very feminine sport. And the only reason I got into it was because my family friends were into it.
I feel like the groups of friends I had growing up also played a large role. It's weird, because in elementary school, most of my closest friends were guys. We would play video games all the time, go to the movies, etc. In middle school, for some reason (again maybe it was because of all the girls in my life) I hung out with girls a lot more. I did have a couple of close guy friends, but I think when it came down to hanging out, I would hangout with girls a lot more. In high school, I guess I didn't have a choice but to hangout with a majority girls because my hs consisted of 70% girls and 30% guys. In my close group of friends, there were 4-5 guys, and about 15 girls....so yea it was difficult. Alright I'm not sure why I got into analyzing my groups of friends, but hopefully everything ties together well.
In terms of relationships, I had a couple of "girlfriends" in middle school and high school. Using the term loosely again cause they were all short term. I guess looking back, I was never really sexually attracted to any of them. But I was comfortable and compatible with them, and there was definitely an emotional/mental connection. I guess those aren't enough to get a relationship going, especially in teenage years.
Did I know on a certain level that I was gay? Probably. Did I suppress it tremendously? Most definitely. Was I aware of this suppression? Most likely not. You see, when I was attracted to other guys, I think it was more the wanting of close male friends. I wasn't the most masculine guy growing up, and got along with girls just fine, but I still felt a need (and want) to have close guy friends and just do guy stuff. So I guess I subconsciously convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to them. Instead, it was my attraction to having close male friends.
Fast forward to college. I went to an extremely liberal college (Brown) and looking back, it should have been the place at which I would be the most comfortable coming out. But how could I when I wasn't even sure of my own feelings. I hooked up with a number of girls, but could never sleep with any of them (I should have gotten the hint then huh?). My desire for close male friends also seemed to take over, and somehow, most of my friends from college ended up being guys. Also, I was very involved in the Asian community at school, and Asians tend to be a lot more close minded when it came to things like homosexuality. I guess that led to more suppression of my feelings.
My faith also played a role in this suppression. I'll probably talk about my religious life another time (it's way too long) but I was very involved in fellowships in high school and college. In fact, I helped lead both groups. So how would I be able to come out when it's such a taboo topic in the church? There were many many many times when I would pray about this. If all things were possible through God, then surely he can allow me to become attracted to girls. Fortunately, with time, I began to accept the fact that hey, I might have been made this way for a reason. I'm not quite sure what my purpose is, but to me, there was a reason I was gay. It's all part of God's plan.
I finally decided towards the end of senior year that I needed to come out after graduation. I didn't want to risk ruining friendships over my coming out (although none were ruined afterwards) so I thought it would be best to wait until after graduation. I also needed to do it before I started medical school three months after graduation, because I needed to start accepting myself and living a true life. Sure many people were surprised and shocked, but I haven't had a bad reaction. When my friends in med school found out (some didn't realize it until months into school) they didn't think twice of it. It's just a part of who I am.
Alright so I realize this post is incredibly fragmented, but I guess that's a reflection of my current thoughts on my whole discovery of my sexuality. Hopefully future posts will allow me to organize these thoughts and elaborate on many points, but I just wanted to get them out there first. Congratulations if you were able to finish.
My childhood was pretty "normal". I use the term normal loosely because I'm pretty sure it was different in a number of aspects, but I don't think there was really anything out of the ordinary. I think one thing that did play a large influence on my upbringing was the fact that I had an older sister, and all of my family friends were girls. So instead of the usual playing basketball, and other sports that's supposed to make a guy masculine, I played indoor games with them (a lot of board games). The only sport I did get into competitively (will elaborate on a future post) was volleyball, and I guess the common belief is that it's a very feminine sport. And the only reason I got into it was because my family friends were into it.
I feel like the groups of friends I had growing up also played a large role. It's weird, because in elementary school, most of my closest friends were guys. We would play video games all the time, go to the movies, etc. In middle school, for some reason (again maybe it was because of all the girls in my life) I hung out with girls a lot more. I did have a couple of close guy friends, but I think when it came down to hanging out, I would hangout with girls a lot more. In high school, I guess I didn't have a choice but to hangout with a majority girls because my hs consisted of 70% girls and 30% guys. In my close group of friends, there were 4-5 guys, and about 15 girls....so yea it was difficult. Alright I'm not sure why I got into analyzing my groups of friends, but hopefully everything ties together well.
In terms of relationships, I had a couple of "girlfriends" in middle school and high school. Using the term loosely again cause they were all short term. I guess looking back, I was never really sexually attracted to any of them. But I was comfortable and compatible with them, and there was definitely an emotional/mental connection. I guess those aren't enough to get a relationship going, especially in teenage years.
Did I know on a certain level that I was gay? Probably. Did I suppress it tremendously? Most definitely. Was I aware of this suppression? Most likely not. You see, when I was attracted to other guys, I think it was more the wanting of close male friends. I wasn't the most masculine guy growing up, and got along with girls just fine, but I still felt a need (and want) to have close guy friends and just do guy stuff. So I guess I subconsciously convinced myself that I wasn't attracted to them. Instead, it was my attraction to having close male friends.
Fast forward to college. I went to an extremely liberal college (Brown) and looking back, it should have been the place at which I would be the most comfortable coming out. But how could I when I wasn't even sure of my own feelings. I hooked up with a number of girls, but could never sleep with any of them (I should have gotten the hint then huh?). My desire for close male friends also seemed to take over, and somehow, most of my friends from college ended up being guys. Also, I was very involved in the Asian community at school, and Asians tend to be a lot more close minded when it came to things like homosexuality. I guess that led to more suppression of my feelings.
My faith also played a role in this suppression. I'll probably talk about my religious life another time (it's way too long) but I was very involved in fellowships in high school and college. In fact, I helped lead both groups. So how would I be able to come out when it's such a taboo topic in the church? There were many many many times when I would pray about this. If all things were possible through God, then surely he can allow me to become attracted to girls. Fortunately, with time, I began to accept the fact that hey, I might have been made this way for a reason. I'm not quite sure what my purpose is, but to me, there was a reason I was gay. It's all part of God's plan.
I finally decided towards the end of senior year that I needed to come out after graduation. I didn't want to risk ruining friendships over my coming out (although none were ruined afterwards) so I thought it would be best to wait until after graduation. I also needed to do it before I started medical school three months after graduation, because I needed to start accepting myself and living a true life. Sure many people were surprised and shocked, but I haven't had a bad reaction. When my friends in med school found out (some didn't realize it until months into school) they didn't think twice of it. It's just a part of who I am.
Alright so I realize this post is incredibly fragmented, but I guess that's a reflection of my current thoughts on my whole discovery of my sexuality. Hopefully future posts will allow me to organize these thoughts and elaborate on many points, but I just wanted to get them out there first. Congratulations if you were able to finish.
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