Take two, Getting the hang of things, and Peace

Since I haven't been that great at updating my blog, this post is going to jump around from topic to topic...sorry if it's confusing.

So in my search to try to be more active in my dating scene, I actually dled grindr on my phone...and let's just say it's been interesting. No I actually haven't met up with any of the guys that I talked to, but it's definitely opened my eyes. The first thing I've noticed was, WOW, there are a lot of creepers/weirdos out there. Some people also don't know how to take no for an answer...making themselves sound a little stalkerish..Another thing I've noticed is the importance of showing some skin on the picture. For awhile, I just had a face picture up, and, even though I would get messages from some guys, it definitely wasn't too many. I decided then to put up a picture of my face and, of course, my shirtless torso. As soon as I posted that picture, I feel like the number of guys who've messaged me has tripled (yes, including the weirdos). I mean I guess I should be slightly flattered, but then it got me thinking...uh, is my face ugly? haha. but I mean honestly, do I have to forever maintain a decent body to be considered attractive?! I guess everyone has their own preference. Since I'm not the hooking up type, grindr does seem like a waste of time, but I'll just keep it around for fun?

Onto the next topic of my school/rotation life. Medicine is still pretty difficult. I work on average 11-12 hours a day and when I'm home, I try to stay on top of the readings and try to prepare for the next day. It's basically forced me to just think about medicine 24/7, which is not a great life to have. I am liking the rotation though, despite the long hours and the fact that we spend so much time rounding on patients! I like the whole, trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient and bouncing ideas off of everyone on the team. I've also been surprising myself on how much information I've been able to retain from the first two years, but of course, there are endless amount of questions I get wrong when I get pimped from the attending. I do feel like I have a good relationship with everyone on my team, and I'm hoping my evaluations reflect that. Yes, I'm still doing my best to get honors in every rotation (I was able to get it in peds!) so I guess I'm just gonna have to continue to work hard. On a side note though, I will NEVER ever throw a fellow classmate under the bus or do anything else that would make me look better than them, I'll never be that desperate for a better grade. Unfortunately, some of my classmates don't share this sentiment, and are completely unaware of how much everyone else despises them.

Finally, I went to church today for the first time in awhile. I don't really like going to church when I'm back home, especially since I don't really have a home church, so while I was on peds, it was difficult for me to routinely go to church. I do feel like I have a church to call my own when I'm out near my school, so I'm really glad I was able to go back today and realize how much I've needed some time with God. It's been so easy for me to get caught up with school/rotations that I just put my faith and my relationship with God on the side, so it was a great reminder to me that there are more important things in life than school. Hopefully this reminder doesn't go down the drain as soon as the work week starts tomorrow.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoyed their summer and are soaking up the last few days of sunny, nice weather!

So...this is Medicine

So I finished my pediatrics rotations last week (with an incredibly hard shelf exam) and had a very very hectic weekend. I literally partied with my school friends from 2 pm till like 4 am on Friday, lost my voice afterwards, had to volunteer during the day on Saturday, and then went into the city Saturday night to meet up and party some more with my college friends. Let's just say I wish I had taken the weekend to catch up on my sleep...but I still had an amazing time so no regrets.

Today was the first day of my medicine rotation...and I am already stressed out. I expected us to just have a quick orientation and then have the day off, but nope, we just dove right into our responsibilities. I guess doing pediatrics (especially pediatrics at a really chill place with a small number of patients) really spoiled me because the floor in medicine is a lot busier. I also realized that doing pediatrics put me in a mindset that most patients have one diagnosis, but I quickly realized that most of the patients on the medicine floor have ~10 comorbidities. I forgot that people can have diseases other than herpangina, gastritis, and asthma. I guess I just felt really lost because I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do on the floor, and all the superiors were too busy to explain things too. Hopefully it's quieter tomorrow so I can clarify things.

Even though I felt like I hardly did anything today, I pronounced the death of a patient for the first time ever. He wasn't even my patient, but the senior resident needed a witness so I volunteered. Supposedly the patient was in late stages of dementia and was well into his 80s, but just seeing the patient lie in bed, literally lifeless, was quite surreal. After checking the absence of a heartbeat, pulse, and pupillary reflex, the senior resident told me to look at my watch and just say it exactly like they do in the movies, "Time of death is so and so". Amidst all the chaos and stress, I was quickly brought back to earth to realize how short our lives are.  I don't even think it's fully hit me that the patient died today, but I pray that he did not have to suffer through much, and that his family has made their peace with it too. I know I'm going to encounter a lot more deaths (hopefully none of them will be the result of my mistakes) in the future, but it's definitely gonna take time to get used to it.

Wow that was quick!

When I first started my peds rotation, I thought it would take forever to get through. I mean I know 8 weeks isn't a lot, but it does feel like a long time if you're dreading everyday. But as the days went by, I began to enjoy going to work more and more each day, and now, I only have ~4 more days of my rotation left. I've definitely definitely concluded that peds is not for me, but if I don't fall in love with any other specialty, I guess it's not a bad field to go into haha. I guess I'm really good at acting because all of the residents/attendings say that I'm really good with kids and that they can see me in peds...but little do they know how I really feel haha. The one bad thing about this rotation ending...is that now I have to study for the shelf exam I have to take next week. I keep hearing that it's the most difficult shelf and my goal for third year is to honors everything...so yea this should be an interesting week coming up. It also doesn't help that I'm just not a studious person by nature and I've definitely fallen behind.

In non-school related news (yes, I do have a life outside of school/rotations) I went to a wedding up in Boston this past weekend. It really got me thinking about my own wedding in the future and of course that started the whole "I really need to start dating and finding a boyfriend" mentality. I mean I know I'm still young right now but my friends who were getting married were 23/24 so...it just reminded me of the fact that I'm no where near getting married. I always thought when I was younger that I would be married at this time (yes to a girl) and that I would start having kids because I didn't want a large age gap between me and my kids. But I guess I didn't realize that at this age, I would be thousands of dollars in debt (which is growing) and still in school.
I've also been incredibly obsessed with the olympics and I'm sad that it's over (but sorta relieved cause I spent way too much time watching them). It also didn't help that there are so many good looking athletes out there. 

Also, I've been very curious (? not sure if that's the right word) about hooking up randomly with guys I meet online. No, I've never actually done it, but it doesn't help that I just want a companion. I know I shouldn't expect much else from hookups, but a small part of me always thinks, what if I actually end up with the person I hook up with?. Yea it's a very naive way of thinking. Man, I really need to move to a city soon so I can actually meet random guys at bars (people still do that right? internet hasn't totally taken over?) and go through the whole process of getting to know someone else better...rather than having guys just look at each other's picture and wanting to hookup with them.

Out and Proud?

So for those of you who've been reading this blog (yes i know, not many haha) you know that I am pretty comfortable with my sexual identity. I made the decision to come out two years ago after graduating college, and since then, I've become increasingly comfortable living in my own skin. I had no problem telling people in med school that I'm gay, and when people would ask, I wouldn't deny it.
But for the past month during rotations, I think I've been finding it harder to tell people that I'm gay. And by people I mean the people I work with. Of course my classmates with whom I rotate know, but none of the interns/residents/students from other schools/nurses know. So whenever they make a comment that assumes that I'm heterosexual (ie "oh you'll understand when you get a wife") I don't make an effort to correct them. I think underneath it all, I'm afraid of the fact that my superiors or the people I work are actually homophobic, so they'll treat me differently when they find out that I'm gay.
Is it wrong of me to not correct them and tell them that I'm gay? Am I not proud enough to declare my sexual identity? I guess I'm also frustrated that people automatically assume that I'm straight because I'm a guy who doesn't act or dress flamboyantly. As health care workers, shouldn't we be more sensitive? I mean, in med school, we're taught over and over again never to use questions like "do you have a husband/wife?" because it assumes the patient's sexual identity and can possibly make them uncomfortable. Well if that's the case, then shouldn't we apply this idea to everyday life? Maybe one day people will be more aware of these differences. And maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to correct others.

That week flew by!

I worked for the last six days (had weekend call yesterday) but somehow it felt like the week flew by! I've also begun to have some new insights towards peds. I guess I didn't enjoy it as much in the first two weeks because I was starting a new rotation (and a new year), didn't really know what I was supposed to do on the floor, and felt like I had to be at the top of my game to impress my superiors (aka the people who are determining my grade). This past week was different though. I didn't mind waking up at 5:30 in the morning to go to work and also didn't mind staying late to see some extra cases. I now feel like I know what my responsibilities and tasks are and I think I'm doing them well. We had to get mid-rotation evaluations from the interns and residents, and, to my surprise, I guess I'm doing a great job (hopefully I don't sound cocky by saying this, just stating what happened lol). After hearing the feedback, I feel like I'm a lot more comfortable on the floor and around all the residents; I can crack jokes on them now, and vice versa. One of the senior residents also said that I was practically like an intern, which was sorta cool to hear.

With this new perspective, towards the end of the week, I started to really evaluate whether or not I am interested in peds (taking all of these feelings about the environment and my performance out of it). So far, there are 3 main reasons why I don't think I can go into peds:
1. I really don't like seeing kids sick. I mean I don't really like to see anyone being sick, but seeing a kid's (especially a baby's) small body, looking helpless on the bed, really struck a chord with me (in a bad way). There were two patients this week who had mental retardation and seizure disorders, and I just felt horrible standing there and seeing how their lives are pretty much determined for them.
2. Anything to do with needles and kids/babies. There was one baby who we had to try to place an IV in 5 different locations! It took three people (including myself), and an hour to finally place the IV. I'm just not sure I want to be spending that much time doing these kinds of tasks...and again watching the kids cry and bawl as we try to do so.
3. Being unable to talk to babies/kids directly and having to communicate through parents, especially RUDE parents. Enough said.

I still have 5 more weeks so I'm just gonna try to put everything in perspective.

Finally, I just have to make a comment on the recent events that occurred in Colorado. To say that this event is a tragedy is an understatement. I can't even begin to understand what went through that man's mind as he planned to shoot down tens of people at random, and end up killing 12 of them. I am curious to know what the investigators discover as they interrogate this man, and exactly what his motives were. I mean, he ended up killing a 6 year old child for goodness sake.
I was also displeased with some of the reactions people had after the event. I remember reading one article in the Huffington Post where one man believed that events like this highlight America's gradual shift against Christianity (basically stating if Christian values were being upheld, these events would not have happened). I just don't think this is an appropriate time or place to have those kinds of discussions. It also just reminds me of the hypocrisy that exists within the Christians community (and pretty much those of all other religions).

Alright time to hit the books. I've been having the hardest time going back into the routine of studying like I did for the boards, but considering that the peds shelf is supposedly the hardest, I should probably change this.

Gotta Impress...

Ive been on my peds rotation (my first rotation) for only 2 weeks and 2 days and I think the most important thing I've learned is that as a student, my job is to impress people. It's actually kinda sad, because at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I've accomplished the full extent to what my job entitles. I should explain...

Even before rotations started, I guess I was super eager to go around the hospital talking to patients and really helping people. Instead of doing this, I feel like I've been going around the hospital doing other tasks (getting lab results, printing out stuff, etc.). It's not like I have a choice in this because med students just have to do whatever the residents/interns tell them to do. Why? Because we're basically there to make a good impression. Unfortunately, most of our grades are based on the subjective opinions of our superiors. I feel like there's so much luck involved (if you get assigned a nice resident who's generous with grades..then you're pretty much set. if not...then too bad), of which I am not a fan. I understand that doing all the bitch work is a part of learning the system, but I guess I'm disappointed by the end of the day when I've only gotten to speak to my patient for a total of like 10-15 minutes during the day.

I'm just hoping that this is only true because I just started third year, or because I'm at a sub-par teaching hospital for peds. All I'm asking for is more patient interaction and less having my guard up the entire day, waiting for residents to be around so I can try and please them.

Updates

So it's been awhile since I've last written on this. I guess the most effective way to just jot down what's been going on with my life would be to break it down.
Boards (step 1):
Last time I wrote, I began studying for the boards. It was seriously the most intense 5 week period of studying I've ever been through. There were also a number of instances when I really questioned my desire to become a physician. I'm glad I was able to make it through though. I actually got my score two days ago. Ended up getting a 236, which is semi-respectable I guess(?) but it was also slightly disappointing considering how much I studied and how I did on the practice exams. But I'll take my score any day. Now that that component of my residency application has been determined, I'll just have to work hard on the components I can fix.
School/Third Year:
I started my rotations two weeks ago. I wanted to start off with a not as demanding rotation, and a rotation I wasn't too interested in...so I started with pediatrics. I haven't seen too many interesting cases, also because the hospital I'm working at is...kinda crappy. There aren't that many patients on the floor (i'm doing inpatient first) so it's just a lot of standing around. I'll probably comment on the politics of third year/rotations as the year goes on (trying to impress people, always been cautious, etc.). In general though I am happy that I started third year and can actually work with patients now. I am pretty exhausted though at the end of the day, but supposedly we should be studying a couple of hours a day to perform well on the shelf exam =/.
Personal Life/Love Life (or lack thereof):
For some of the rotations, I'm actually living at home in Queens so I guess there are more options to meet guys/go on dates...but the limiting factor is still lack of time. The only free time I get is the weekends...and even then I should be studying or sometimes I have weekend calls...so yea it's been difficult. I am glad that I get to see my hometown friends a lot more though cause I've always been out of the loop for the past two years while living near my med school. I'm just hoping that my dating life actually starts off sometime soon...here's to wishful thinking!