Gym Etiquette

I don't consider myself to be a gym rat and I may not know everything in the gym, but through the years I've definitely picked up on proper gym etiquette...and I get pretty frustrated when others don't follow them. Here are some basic rules:

1. Re-rack your weights
It's pretty self-explanatory. If you picked up a dumbbell from the rack..then put it back at the same location! I go to a newly opened LA fitness, and everything is clean, but one of the problems that the gym faced really quickly is that the dumbbells weren't where they belonged. I mean, there's a label of how many pounds each dumbbell weighs on the rack..it's really not hard to put it back is it? It seems like a stupid rule but it just takes unnecessary time and effort looking for the right weight. Not only does this apply to dumbbells, but plates too. If you loaded your barbell with plates..then put the damn plates back.

2. Don't hog the machine/bench/etc
Clearly if there are only 2-3 machines/benches in the gym, there's gonna be people waiting for it. I mean I don't mind waiting a minute or two, but I get annoyed if I see someone just sitting on a bench for up to 5 minutes, just using their phones or talking to people when there are clearly people waiting. I like to superset or triple set, so I make sure that others know that they can use my area when I'm not there. I don't just sit in one location. You shouldn't be resting for more than a minute anyways.

3. Clean up after yourselves
I'm assuming people are just unaware of how much they sweat at the gym, but if you've left a puddle of your sweat on a bench or the mat, it takes ~30 seconds to go grab some paper towels, sanitizer and clean up after yourselves.


I'm sure there's more, but I feel like following these three, easy steps will make the gym a more pleasant place for everyone!

Fourth year life is amazing!

Considering how much time I have right now, I'm surprised I'm not blogging more consistently. My medicine sub-internship for a month (which got me excited to start residency) came and went, followed by a month of studying for step 2, a month of research elective, and now I'm on an easy elective that consists of lectures for ~3 hours/day. So...yea fourth year life is pretty awesome! I guess it's easier to just write about things topic by topic again. I swear I'm gonna have to update more frequently so that I can just talk about one topic at a time!

Residency Applications/Interviews

So I submitted my application the day it opened (9/15) and ever since then, I've been anxiously checking my email for interview invites. I guess it's still a little early because the dean's letter don't go out until 10/1, but a lot of programs have sent out invites. I've managed to get one so far but I guess I'm still nervous that I won't get much. I ended up applying to 33 programs, which I heard is overkill for internal medicine, but the logic behind applying to so many programs is that that I'm basically applying to all the top programs in the regions I want to live (nyc, boston, SF, LA, SD, chicago) plus a couple of programs in smaller cities, and I'm afraid I won't get many interviews! I stupidly only applied to 2 "safeties" but I don't know, I just couldn't see myself going to a community program in smaller cities. I hope this doesn't backfire =/. I mean I know I'm not AOA, but I am in the top quartile (not really sure how that happened) and I think my board scores are pretty solid (just got step 2 this past week and I was really surprised, in a good way). I did do some research and was very involved in school activities. Ok I'm just rambling but I guess I'm trying to justify to myself that I belong in some of the top tier programs. And if I don't...then I'll find a program that I'm happy with! Ok that's enough talk about things that get me anxious haha.

Dating?
Oh god, I'm sure people are sick of hearing the same old stories. I guess given the fact that I have more time now, I've been going on more dates. But I still haven't been able to start a relationship. I think I need to go to therapy or something. After a couple of dates, I tend to always find things that tick me off about the other person and I fixate on them. Maybe I'm making things up subconsciously because I suck at commitment? I mean I'm not going around sleeping with random people or going on multiple dates a day, but I haven't been able to find someone that I can commit to. Also, the more I date around, the more I'm realizing that I'm more attracted to "bros"/a guy's guy. I've gone on dates with a couple of "divas" and...yea I don't know, something just really annoys me. Maybe I'm being too superficial about this. Dating has also been more difficult because I don't know where the hell I'm going to be next year for residency! Maybe after March 21st (match day!) I'll be able to seriously date haha that's wishful thinking.

And I'll end a post with an update on my physique. Not the greatest picture but yea, it's relatively recent. I've finally been able to hit 160 lbs, and aiming for 170. I didn't know gaining weight was this difficult! I literally stuff my face throughout the day. I've also been working out very consistently because of all the free time I have! I'm thinking trying out crossfit...but I'm a little nervous because I'm pretty injury prone due to my shoulders. Anyone have experience with crossfit?

I'm alive!

Wow I realized that I haven't written here in a longgg time. Somehow it's already the second week of July =O.
I don't even know where to begin to update everyone (yes, the many many people who read this haha). I'll just try to break it down by topic?

School
I'm finally a fourth year! I'm currently on my sub-internship right now, which basically means I act like an intern but I still don't get paid and I'm still getting evaluated haha. I'm having a lot of fun though cause I have a lot more responsibilities, like putting in orders for patients. It's pretty tiring though, cause I'm working 12+ hours a day and 6 days a week, including holidays! Just 3 more weeks to go....
I'm definitely nervous about applying to residencies. I don't wanna shoot for the stars too much, but I definitely want to go to a top medicine program, which is gonna take some luck. I feel like I did pretty well my third year (got all honors except for a high pass in surgery) but so do a lot of other third years, especially the ones in my class applying to internal med like me. I guess most of the things are out of my control now and I have to hope that I somehow get interviews.

Dating (?) Life
So I think last time I was all worried about contracting HIV, and I got tested since then, with negative results (thank the lord!). I also ended up dating an awesome guy for a short time but due to differences in where we were in life (I'm still in med school, he's a millionaire who had lots of free time) and because of the fact that I had so little time with school. I'm also beginning to think I suck at being in a relationship. I guess I'm just not the type of guy who needs to text/call someone I like every day to see how they're doing. Is that because I haven't found someone I really like? Or am I just a heartless bastard? bleh. So yea, for now, I am very much single, and focusing a lot more on school (not like I have a choice)

Fitness

Even though I've been busy with school/rotations, I've definitely made it a priority to go to the gym. I get up at like 430 to go to the gym before I go into the hospital. Might sound crazy, but I know that if I get into the routine of not going to the gym, it would be really hard for me to start again. I'm still having trouble with gaining mass but oh well, at least I'm not becoming a couch potato and gaining bad weight. It's probably cause I haven't been able to eat much, as evidenced by the fact that my stomach always growls during rounds haha. Here's a pic I took last week (yes, I know it's douche-y but I like to document my progress, or lack thereof).


Alright I think that's enough updates for now, I'm gonna take another nap cause it's my day off. Actually it's time for me to watch tennis for hours cause I'm obsessed and haven't been able to watch a single match all week. I'll do my best to post more often!

Much needed break

I'm glad that for the next two weeks, I can pretty much do nothing and not worry about school. It's shocking to know that third year is exactly half over with. I'm definitely proud of how I'm doing so far in third year (managed to get honors in all my rotations so far, although I still have surgery, ob/gyn, and psych left) and I would really wanna end third year with all honors, but that's easier said than done.

Right before winter break started, we basically had a week of lectures that kept emphasizing planning for fourth year and applying for residencies...it was stressful to say the least. All these talks about ranking, importance of grades, when to take step 2, etc. got me (and the rest of the class) pretty stressed out. It also motivated me to work harder so that I can get an internal med residency in the city (I'm really hoping for either NYU or Mount Sinai). I've also pretty much decided on IM after eliminating emergency med and anesthesiology from my list. Unless I fall in love with surgery (which I don't see happening) I think IM-->GI is the path for me.

I've also been pretty good about working out on a very consistent basis...but I'm not sure if I'm getting any results! It's sorta upsetting. I'll have to post pictures later and maybe you guys can tell me if there have been any changes since the previous one!

In regards to my dating life, I actually met up with the guy I blogged about before! It was a pretty short hangout because we were both busy with our respective lives, but it was also fun to hangout. The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that our relationship might be heading towards the friends with benefits realm...which is something I wanna avoid. Both times we've hungout, we've ended up hooking up (not going all the way, but pretty much lol). I mean I have no complaints about it cause it was hot (and he's hot) but I wonder if we're just hanging out so that we hook up. Oh well I guess I have to see what the future holds. We told each other that the next time we hangout, it'll be handsoff haha. I wonder how that'll workout.

So yea, for the next two weeks, I'm planning to sleep many hours, hangout with friends, eat tons of food, workout a lot, and do some leisure reading. I'm excited!

Can't believe it's almost December!

So third year is almost halfway done....can't believe it went by so quickly! I'm currently on my emergency medicine rotation, and I thought I would have liked it more than I do. I guess a part of it is getting used to the flow of the emergency room and the fact that we only have 2 weeks on the rotation (8 shifts). It also doesn't help that we have to get an evaluation from an attending/resident every single shift. Why can't I just learn without being evaluated all the time?!

I did get some good news today, ended up getting an honors in my Medicine rotation! I was pleasantly surprised cause that rotation was hard as hell, some residents/attendings gave me average evaluations, and the shelf exam was seriously harder than any exam I had ever taken (I think harder/more random than step 1). I'm still waiting for my ambulatory (primary care) grade, and obviously I'm hoping that I get an honors there too. I guess I'm pretty stoked cause most of my grades in second year were just "pass" and I think my strengths lie in talking to people/interacting with people rather than studying and taking exams that determine my entire grade. I still have 3 more core rotations to go through so let's hope that the momentum carries over.

Since the last time I wrote, I also had a great date with a guy. The only thing is, I have no idea where things are going with him. He actually came over to my place for our first meeting (yea I know, pretty bold) but as soon as we sat down on my couch, it just felt incredibly comfortable, like I've known this guy for much longer. We did end up fooling around a little bit even though I told myself to take things very slow...but I guess we just got caught up in the moment. The thing that sucks is that both our schedules are so busy that we haven't been able to meet up again. We do still talk, but not as much as we used to and I guess I'm just afraid that he's lost interest (cause I sure haven't). I hate getting my hopes up though, and even though I would love to have this guy as my future boyfriend, I know that relationships take a lot more work than just two people liking each other. It also doesn't help that he lives pretty far. Oh well, I guess I'll see how it goes (and prevent myself from getting too attached, which is what usually happens).

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving break! I think I took ~3 naps on thanksgiving day, and it was glorious! I've never slept that much in a long time. It was nice to just relax and enjoy good company with my family while eating great food. Unfortunately, my break got cut short cause they scheduled me to do two ER shifts this past weekend. Sorta sucked cause I had a lot of plans with friends from back home, but what are you gonna do? I've also been hitting the gym a lot more lately. I gave in and started taking creatine cause I feel like I've hit a plateau and haven't been able to gain anymore weight after hitting 150-155 pounds. This is what my body looked like a month ago (warning, another tool picture coming up)-->
Hopefully there will be some changes in a couple of months!

Alright, until the next update!

Sandy, the homewrecker...and other updates (warning, long post)

So as most people across the nation know, the northeast was hit pretty hard by hurricane/tropical storm Sandy. I feel like a lot of people didn't take it too seriously before it hit because there was a lot of hype with hurricane Irene last year..and that wasn't as bad as people thought it would be. Unfortunately, Sandy hit hard, and I feel that a lot of people weren't prepared/expecting it (including myself). I found out late Sunday that my clinical duties for Mon/Tues were cancelled (I'm working in outpatient/primary care at an endocrinology clinic right now) so I was definitely happy cause I still need time to study for the ambulatory and internal med shelfs (standardized exams at the end of rotations). The rain/wind wasn't too bad Sunday night, and Monday morning, I even went to the gym so get a last minute workout in, just in case it wasn't open the following days (and there were actually a lot of people who were at the gym haha). In the afternoon, a few friends came over to study and chill, and at about 4 PM, all the power just went out. I really wasn't prepared because I had one candle, one flashlight, and a ton of (perishable) food in the fridge that I didn't anticipate going bad. I still kept on thinking that the power would come back soon..but it never happened. Turns out, most of LI lost power, the hospital lost power for a short period, which also meant no studying for awhile.

It definitely felt weird being isolated from the outside world with no internet/tv, not knowing really what was going on in the rest of the northeast region. Of course I was pretty antsy all night long, but it felt really good to just not care about anything, and instead, talk to friends and watch movies all night long. I ended up coming back home to queens yesterday cause my parents still had power, and I'm still waiting to see if I have work tomorrow (the clinic still doesn't have power). In the meantime, I'm enjoying some home cooked meals and getting some productive studying in.

The last time I updated, I was still on Internal Medicine (IM). I gotta say..I really enjoyed it. Yea it was a lot of work, and yea there were lots of pimping sessions (where attendings ask students tons of questions and put them on the spot), but I didn't mind it at all. I realized that I really enjoyed IM when I didn't mind staying till 8/9 PM for the shifts. I also realized that I really want to go into gastroenterology. I had a lot of exposure to the field during my rotation and got to see some cool procedures. It's supposed to be a competitive field so I'm trying to get a head start and become involved in some research, which has been hard to do with my third year schedule. One thing that I really hated about IM was the fact that grading seemed so subjective and based on luck. When I would get verbal feedback from my residents/attendings, they would tell me I'm doing a great job and wouldn't really tell me things I should improve on, but in the written evals that count towards my grade, they would only give me a pass or high pass...and some would tell me that they don't give out higher than high passes....Perhaps I'm being too whiny about this, but I know that I want to go into a fairly competitive program in NYC, and I know third year grades matter a lot (basically getting honors). So yea, I guess I just need to rock the hell out of the shelf exam to even have a shot at getting an honors in IM.

In regards to my dating life, it's still been nonexistent. Well not completely. I've been talking to a couple of guys online/texts and we were actually supposed to meet up this week, but due to the hurricane, had to cancel everything. And I guess everyone's priorities revolve around getting power back/cleaning things around/outside the house, so who knows when I'll go on another date. I also met a guy online who ended up coming over to my place (after we talked for weeks)...but I'll have to save that story for another time haha.

Out and Proud? Part II

So a couple of months ago, I wrote a post about my inability to come out at work/rotations because I'm afraid it will affect my grade. I wish I could say that this has changed since then, but it hasn't, and I've actually had a number of experiences where people have just assumed even further that I'm straight.

Today's example actually ticked me off a little bit (actually it ticked me off a lot). This year, our family medicine clerkship got revamped, so instead of a month of family medicine, we have family medicine days one day, every other week, for the entire academic year. They think it'll help with longitudinal relationships with patients (yea..that's not gonna happen).
This also means I'm stuck with one preceptor for the entire year....and to say that I'm having a horrible time with this preceptor is an understatement. I was actually interested in going into family medicine as one of my possible residencies..but this preceptor has deterred me from that decision. I've asked to get placed with another preceptor with no avail (surprise surprise).
The first thing that bothers me about her is the fact that she does not let me see patients on my own before she sees them. It's essentially become like a shadowing program. I'm not learning anything! I've even asked her if I could see the patients first because it's something we're expected to do, but so far, I've only seen one patient on my own (and she interrupted us midway).
The more aggravating thing about her is her unprofessionalism. She always talks to me about patients that irritate her, and of course, I'm not going to say, "please stop being inappropriate" cause she basically determines my entire grade. So I just nod along...
One time, an Indian patient came for a checkup, and afterwards, my preceptor would comment on how much the patient smelled and how she needs to get some air freshener in the room....I mean come on! What kind of physician are you?

Now how does this tie into the whole theme of me not being able to come out at work? Well today, there was a patient who came in cause of an episode of rectal bleeding/blood in his stool that he was worried about. After working up the patient, my preceptor comments on how she forgot to ask him if he's had any anal intercourse. And then she says, to me, "well he seemed like a normal guy so he probably didn't have any. right? he looked like a normal guy, right?". At that moment, I had the urge to say, "so...gay guys aren't normal??" but again, I had to refrain myself, telling myself that this woman will determine my entire grade. Damnit.

Afterwards I began to wonder if she would have said that if she knew that I was gay. I'm tempted to go in in 2 weeks and wear very flamboyant clothing and just show her how gay and fabulous I am...but that's not me and I don't think it's right for her to assume that I'm straight in the first place. Actually, it's not right for her to think that straight sex = normal and gay sex = abnormal. Man, I thought doctors were supposed to be educated!

My obsession with trashy TV

Shane Meaney from BB14

I don't have too much time to watch TV, but when I do, I definitely admit to watching not so greatly reviewed TV.....meaning most of them are reality TV shows haha. Just thought I would write a light-hearted post about some of the shows I've been watching.

I've actually never watched a full season of Big Brother, and I couldn't watch the entire season this time around too, but one of the reasons why I've tuned into a number of episodes is because of this guy right here....--> Don't let the pink tank top fool you, he's straight. But he is definitely my type in terms of how he looks and just his competitiveness/masculinity (real men wear pink right?). He was actually evicted (after being backstabbed) this past week and I was actually pretty upset..wow my life is sad haha.

yea...more reasons I'm watching this show

Another show that has been one of my favorites for the past couple of years is..Glee haha. I'm not ashamed to admit it! Even though the storyline took a plunge for the past two seasons, I'm still pretty obsessed with most of their songs. It also helps that they added two new actors to the cast...both of whom can really sing and are not hard on the eyes. One of them, Dean Geyer (unfortunately he's not gay as his last name suggests), hails from Australia/South Africa, and yea I'll definitely be hoping he gets a lot of screen time. The first episode was actually pretty decent, so I'm hoping this season has some good storylines.








I also started watching the New Normal and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna continue watching it. It's definitely something I can relate to (not that I have a partner and am trying to have a baby anytime soon) but it seems like a real-life situation of gay couples. And yes, Justin Bartha is not bad to look at either haha. Do I just choose shows cause they have good looking casts? I also realized I would probably be doing amazingly better at school if I wasn't watching a lot of TV...oops.

Take two, Getting the hang of things, and Peace

Since I haven't been that great at updating my blog, this post is going to jump around from topic to topic...sorry if it's confusing.

So in my search to try to be more active in my dating scene, I actually dled grindr on my phone...and let's just say it's been interesting. No I actually haven't met up with any of the guys that I talked to, but it's definitely opened my eyes. The first thing I've noticed was, WOW, there are a lot of creepers/weirdos out there. Some people also don't know how to take no for an answer...making themselves sound a little stalkerish..Another thing I've noticed is the importance of showing some skin on the picture. For awhile, I just had a face picture up, and, even though I would get messages from some guys, it definitely wasn't too many. I decided then to put up a picture of my face and, of course, my shirtless torso. As soon as I posted that picture, I feel like the number of guys who've messaged me has tripled (yes, including the weirdos). I mean I guess I should be slightly flattered, but then it got me thinking...uh, is my face ugly? haha. but I mean honestly, do I have to forever maintain a decent body to be considered attractive?! I guess everyone has their own preference. Since I'm not the hooking up type, grindr does seem like a waste of time, but I'll just keep it around for fun?

Onto the next topic of my school/rotation life. Medicine is still pretty difficult. I work on average 11-12 hours a day and when I'm home, I try to stay on top of the readings and try to prepare for the next day. It's basically forced me to just think about medicine 24/7, which is not a great life to have. I am liking the rotation though, despite the long hours and the fact that we spend so much time rounding on patients! I like the whole, trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient and bouncing ideas off of everyone on the team. I've also been surprising myself on how much information I've been able to retain from the first two years, but of course, there are endless amount of questions I get wrong when I get pimped from the attending. I do feel like I have a good relationship with everyone on my team, and I'm hoping my evaluations reflect that. Yes, I'm still doing my best to get honors in every rotation (I was able to get it in peds!) so I guess I'm just gonna have to continue to work hard. On a side note though, I will NEVER ever throw a fellow classmate under the bus or do anything else that would make me look better than them, I'll never be that desperate for a better grade. Unfortunately, some of my classmates don't share this sentiment, and are completely unaware of how much everyone else despises them.

Finally, I went to church today for the first time in awhile. I don't really like going to church when I'm back home, especially since I don't really have a home church, so while I was on peds, it was difficult for me to routinely go to church. I do feel like I have a church to call my own when I'm out near my school, so I'm really glad I was able to go back today and realize how much I've needed some time with God. It's been so easy for me to get caught up with school/rotations that I just put my faith and my relationship with God on the side, so it was a great reminder to me that there are more important things in life than school. Hopefully this reminder doesn't go down the drain as soon as the work week starts tomorrow.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoyed their summer and are soaking up the last few days of sunny, nice weather!

So...this is Medicine

So I finished my pediatrics rotations last week (with an incredibly hard shelf exam) and had a very very hectic weekend. I literally partied with my school friends from 2 pm till like 4 am on Friday, lost my voice afterwards, had to volunteer during the day on Saturday, and then went into the city Saturday night to meet up and party some more with my college friends. Let's just say I wish I had taken the weekend to catch up on my sleep...but I still had an amazing time so no regrets.

Today was the first day of my medicine rotation...and I am already stressed out. I expected us to just have a quick orientation and then have the day off, but nope, we just dove right into our responsibilities. I guess doing pediatrics (especially pediatrics at a really chill place with a small number of patients) really spoiled me because the floor in medicine is a lot busier. I also realized that doing pediatrics put me in a mindset that most patients have one diagnosis, but I quickly realized that most of the patients on the medicine floor have ~10 comorbidities. I forgot that people can have diseases other than herpangina, gastritis, and asthma. I guess I just felt really lost because I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do on the floor, and all the superiors were too busy to explain things too. Hopefully it's quieter tomorrow so I can clarify things.

Even though I felt like I hardly did anything today, I pronounced the death of a patient for the first time ever. He wasn't even my patient, but the senior resident needed a witness so I volunteered. Supposedly the patient was in late stages of dementia and was well into his 80s, but just seeing the patient lie in bed, literally lifeless, was quite surreal. After checking the absence of a heartbeat, pulse, and pupillary reflex, the senior resident told me to look at my watch and just say it exactly like they do in the movies, "Time of death is so and so". Amidst all the chaos and stress, I was quickly brought back to earth to realize how short our lives are.  I don't even think it's fully hit me that the patient died today, but I pray that he did not have to suffer through much, and that his family has made their peace with it too. I know I'm going to encounter a lot more deaths (hopefully none of them will be the result of my mistakes) in the future, but it's definitely gonna take time to get used to it.

Wow that was quick!

When I first started my peds rotation, I thought it would take forever to get through. I mean I know 8 weeks isn't a lot, but it does feel like a long time if you're dreading everyday. But as the days went by, I began to enjoy going to work more and more each day, and now, I only have ~4 more days of my rotation left. I've definitely definitely concluded that peds is not for me, but if I don't fall in love with any other specialty, I guess it's not a bad field to go into haha. I guess I'm really good at acting because all of the residents/attendings say that I'm really good with kids and that they can see me in peds...but little do they know how I really feel haha. The one bad thing about this rotation ending...is that now I have to study for the shelf exam I have to take next week. I keep hearing that it's the most difficult shelf and my goal for third year is to honors everything...so yea this should be an interesting week coming up. It also doesn't help that I'm just not a studious person by nature and I've definitely fallen behind.

In non-school related news (yes, I do have a life outside of school/rotations) I went to a wedding up in Boston this past weekend. It really got me thinking about my own wedding in the future and of course that started the whole "I really need to start dating and finding a boyfriend" mentality. I mean I know I'm still young right now but my friends who were getting married were 23/24 so...it just reminded me of the fact that I'm no where near getting married. I always thought when I was younger that I would be married at this time (yes to a girl) and that I would start having kids because I didn't want a large age gap between me and my kids. But I guess I didn't realize that at this age, I would be thousands of dollars in debt (which is growing) and still in school.
I've also been incredibly obsessed with the olympics and I'm sad that it's over (but sorta relieved cause I spent way too much time watching them). It also didn't help that there are so many good looking athletes out there. 

Also, I've been very curious (? not sure if that's the right word) about hooking up randomly with guys I meet online. No, I've never actually done it, but it doesn't help that I just want a companion. I know I shouldn't expect much else from hookups, but a small part of me always thinks, what if I actually end up with the person I hook up with?. Yea it's a very naive way of thinking. Man, I really need to move to a city soon so I can actually meet random guys at bars (people still do that right? internet hasn't totally taken over?) and go through the whole process of getting to know someone else better...rather than having guys just look at each other's picture and wanting to hookup with them.

Out and Proud?

So for those of you who've been reading this blog (yes i know, not many haha) you know that I am pretty comfortable with my sexual identity. I made the decision to come out two years ago after graduating college, and since then, I've become increasingly comfortable living in my own skin. I had no problem telling people in med school that I'm gay, and when people would ask, I wouldn't deny it.
But for the past month during rotations, I think I've been finding it harder to tell people that I'm gay. And by people I mean the people I work with. Of course my classmates with whom I rotate know, but none of the interns/residents/students from other schools/nurses know. So whenever they make a comment that assumes that I'm heterosexual (ie "oh you'll understand when you get a wife") I don't make an effort to correct them. I think underneath it all, I'm afraid of the fact that my superiors or the people I work are actually homophobic, so they'll treat me differently when they find out that I'm gay.
Is it wrong of me to not correct them and tell them that I'm gay? Am I not proud enough to declare my sexual identity? I guess I'm also frustrated that people automatically assume that I'm straight because I'm a guy who doesn't act or dress flamboyantly. As health care workers, shouldn't we be more sensitive? I mean, in med school, we're taught over and over again never to use questions like "do you have a husband/wife?" because it assumes the patient's sexual identity and can possibly make them uncomfortable. Well if that's the case, then shouldn't we apply this idea to everyday life? Maybe one day people will be more aware of these differences. And maybe one day, I'll be brave enough to correct others.

That week flew by!

I worked for the last six days (had weekend call yesterday) but somehow it felt like the week flew by! I've also begun to have some new insights towards peds. I guess I didn't enjoy it as much in the first two weeks because I was starting a new rotation (and a new year), didn't really know what I was supposed to do on the floor, and felt like I had to be at the top of my game to impress my superiors (aka the people who are determining my grade). This past week was different though. I didn't mind waking up at 5:30 in the morning to go to work and also didn't mind staying late to see some extra cases. I now feel like I know what my responsibilities and tasks are and I think I'm doing them well. We had to get mid-rotation evaluations from the interns and residents, and, to my surprise, I guess I'm doing a great job (hopefully I don't sound cocky by saying this, just stating what happened lol). After hearing the feedback, I feel like I'm a lot more comfortable on the floor and around all the residents; I can crack jokes on them now, and vice versa. One of the senior residents also said that I was practically like an intern, which was sorta cool to hear.

With this new perspective, towards the end of the week, I started to really evaluate whether or not I am interested in peds (taking all of these feelings about the environment and my performance out of it). So far, there are 3 main reasons why I don't think I can go into peds:
1. I really don't like seeing kids sick. I mean I don't really like to see anyone being sick, but seeing a kid's (especially a baby's) small body, looking helpless on the bed, really struck a chord with me (in a bad way). There were two patients this week who had mental retardation and seizure disorders, and I just felt horrible standing there and seeing how their lives are pretty much determined for them.
2. Anything to do with needles and kids/babies. There was one baby who we had to try to place an IV in 5 different locations! It took three people (including myself), and an hour to finally place the IV. I'm just not sure I want to be spending that much time doing these kinds of tasks...and again watching the kids cry and bawl as we try to do so.
3. Being unable to talk to babies/kids directly and having to communicate through parents, especially RUDE parents. Enough said.

I still have 5 more weeks so I'm just gonna try to put everything in perspective.

Finally, I just have to make a comment on the recent events that occurred in Colorado. To say that this event is a tragedy is an understatement. I can't even begin to understand what went through that man's mind as he planned to shoot down tens of people at random, and end up killing 12 of them. I am curious to know what the investigators discover as they interrogate this man, and exactly what his motives were. I mean, he ended up killing a 6 year old child for goodness sake.
I was also displeased with some of the reactions people had after the event. I remember reading one article in the Huffington Post where one man believed that events like this highlight America's gradual shift against Christianity (basically stating if Christian values were being upheld, these events would not have happened). I just don't think this is an appropriate time or place to have those kinds of discussions. It also just reminds me of the hypocrisy that exists within the Christians community (and pretty much those of all other religions).

Alright time to hit the books. I've been having the hardest time going back into the routine of studying like I did for the boards, but considering that the peds shelf is supposedly the hardest, I should probably change this.

Gotta Impress...

Ive been on my peds rotation (my first rotation) for only 2 weeks and 2 days and I think the most important thing I've learned is that as a student, my job is to impress people. It's actually kinda sad, because at the end of the day, I don't really feel like I've accomplished the full extent to what my job entitles. I should explain...

Even before rotations started, I guess I was super eager to go around the hospital talking to patients and really helping people. Instead of doing this, I feel like I've been going around the hospital doing other tasks (getting lab results, printing out stuff, etc.). It's not like I have a choice in this because med students just have to do whatever the residents/interns tell them to do. Why? Because we're basically there to make a good impression. Unfortunately, most of our grades are based on the subjective opinions of our superiors. I feel like there's so much luck involved (if you get assigned a nice resident who's generous with grades..then you're pretty much set. if not...then too bad), of which I am not a fan. I understand that doing all the bitch work is a part of learning the system, but I guess I'm disappointed by the end of the day when I've only gotten to speak to my patient for a total of like 10-15 minutes during the day.

I'm just hoping that this is only true because I just started third year, or because I'm at a sub-par teaching hospital for peds. All I'm asking for is more patient interaction and less having my guard up the entire day, waiting for residents to be around so I can try and please them.

Updates

So it's been awhile since I've last written on this. I guess the most effective way to just jot down what's been going on with my life would be to break it down.
Boards (step 1):
Last time I wrote, I began studying for the boards. It was seriously the most intense 5 week period of studying I've ever been through. There were also a number of instances when I really questioned my desire to become a physician. I'm glad I was able to make it through though. I actually got my score two days ago. Ended up getting a 236, which is semi-respectable I guess(?) but it was also slightly disappointing considering how much I studied and how I did on the practice exams. But I'll take my score any day. Now that that component of my residency application has been determined, I'll just have to work hard on the components I can fix.
School/Third Year:
I started my rotations two weeks ago. I wanted to start off with a not as demanding rotation, and a rotation I wasn't too interested in...so I started with pediatrics. I haven't seen too many interesting cases, also because the hospital I'm working at is...kinda crappy. There aren't that many patients on the floor (i'm doing inpatient first) so it's just a lot of standing around. I'll probably comment on the politics of third year/rotations as the year goes on (trying to impress people, always been cautious, etc.). In general though I am happy that I started third year and can actually work with patients now. I am pretty exhausted though at the end of the day, but supposedly we should be studying a couple of hours a day to perform well on the shelf exam =/.
Personal Life/Love Life (or lack thereof):
For some of the rotations, I'm actually living at home in Queens so I guess there are more options to meet guys/go on dates...but the limiting factor is still lack of time. The only free time I get is the weekends...and even then I should be studying or sometimes I have weekend calls...so yea it's been difficult. I am glad that I get to see my hometown friends a lot more though cause I've always been out of the loop for the past two years while living near my med school. I'm just hoping that my dating life actually starts off sometime soon...here's to wishful thinking!

Four weeks!

After finishing my last set of finals last week (I'm officially done with second year!!....assuming that I passed all my classes), I had to dive straight into studying for Step 1....and it has not been fun for the past week. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still exhausted and mentally drained from finals or if I don't have enough endurance, but I just feel like I'm not cut out for this. Supposedly most people study a good 12-14 hours every day for step 1 and it makes sense because there is just so much material on this dang exam, but I've barely managed to do ~10 hours. It also doesn't help that my shoulder is STILL injured from three weeks ago and I haven't had the chance to go to the gym since then. I'm hoping I don't turn into a blob of fat during the next four weeks because I am planning to go to Punta Cana right after taking the exam...and I would like to be able to wear a swimsuit haha.
I'm still hoping I can find a good rhythm and I'm praying that I do well enough to rock this exam. It's sad that there's so much riding on this one exam, but I guess that's the reality of it and all I can do is try my best. Alright back to studying.

NC madness

Just saw this clip on youtube and thought it beautifully portrayed the necessity for marriage equality. I'm still in disbelief that amendment one just passed in north carolina. I can only hope for the day when the government realizes that it is disallowing a basic human right to a portion of its citizens.

Super short vacation

So amidst all the chaos of school/finals, I had the opportunity to go to Seattle this past weekend (I'm still here) for a research conference where I was able to present a poster. I arrived here during the day on Thursday, and I'm taking a red-eye flight out in a couple of hours (already dreading it). It was my first time in Seattle so I just wanted to write a quick reflection of my short time here.

I definitely can't see myself living in Seattle for the main reason that it rains too much here. I usually get affected when it rains for consecutive days, so I'm surprised that all these Seattle residents are OK with the rain that seems to occur most of the year. I do think it's a great city to travel to. The people I've encountered here have been really friendly, and I guess I just love the fact that people are able to walk everywhere and places are easily accessible by public transportation. Perhaps I'm just saying this because one has to drive everywhere in Stony Brook, but regardless, I know that I need to live in a city where there are people roaming the streets.

Since I was limited with my time here, I ended up just walking around and going to different coffee shops, since Seattle is known for their coffee, and visiting the supposedly famous Pike's Market. The crowd in Seattle also surprised me because there seems to be a mix of people from different crowds. On the same street, you will encounter businessmen, young students, hipsters, homeless people, and of course tourists. I also noticed that the guys here are also very good looking and seem to be in good shape, which is always a plus.

I'm hoping I'm able to visit Seattle again in the near future and see more of it but I'm glad I had the opportunity to experience a glimpse of it (and the good looking guys). Tomorrow, it's back to reality because I have three finals this coming week, and then on Thursday, it's boards study time for the next five weeks. I'm hoping I can survive the 12-15 hour/day study schedule.

Not 18 anymore (unfortunately)

For some reason, there are moments when I still think that I'm 18. Perhaps it goes along with my stubbornness (I think this might be my biggest flaw and a trait I need to work on) because I seem to have convinced myself that I can stay 18 forever, and then realize that in a couple of months, I will be 24 (dreading my birthday already).

I am writing about this because a couple of days ago, I injured my shoulder from either the gym and playing volleyball (yes, contrary to popular belief, injuries are pretty common in volleyball haha). Despite this injury, and the excruciating pain that has accompanied it, I forced myself to go to the gym and work around it. I guess it's pretty hard to do that when I need to use my shoulder to lift any kind of weight. If I was a normal person, I would probably have gone to the doctor by now and checked to see if it's alright or if I actually damaged something important....but ironically I hate going to the doctor's office so I've been hoping it heals on its own. I guess I keep thinking back to high school when I would injure something, and since it would heal quickly, I would just ignore the pain. But it seems like I can't do that anymore because my body doesn't seem to heal as quickly. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go to the doctor's but I think if the pain persists for a couple more days, the best thing would be for me to go.

Another incident that has led to my realization of my age: Last weekend I went to visit my high school because one of my teachers/deans/coach retired last year and there was a ceremony to have the gymnasium named after her. It was really great to see a couple of my classmates, and the teachers who surprisingly remembered me (or perhaps it's not that surprising because I was sort of a teacher's pet haha). It was then though when I realized that, wow, it's actually been six years since I've graduated high school and I'm really not young anymore (relatively speaking I guess). This is definitely a difficult topic for me because of my fear/uncomfortable feeling towards aging. It also doesn't help that I will probably not make a decent living until I'm well into my 30s, so I don't really feel like an adult yet. I hope one day though that I am able to fully accept the concept of aging and death. Until then, I guess I'll continue to convince myself that I'm an 18 year old stuck in an (almost) 24 year old body.

The Labryinth

For one of our "how to be a good doctor" courses, we have to choose from about 10 different selectives that we can take. They range from learning about health insurance, to laws involved with healthcare, and to my class, which deals with spirituality in healthcare. It's a pretty laid back class, and we meet every week just to discuss how we may encounter the topic of spirituality when it comes to our patients, and how we can and should deal with these issues. The class is led by a priest who also has a PhD and is the director of the bigger "how to be a good doctor" course.

This past week, our class of ~9 students and our professor went on an outdoor walk. The point of the walk was to just appreciate nature's beauty and to take our minds off of schoolwork (which was difficult considering this past week and the following weeks are going to be insane). At this park we went to, there was a labryinth. I've never actually seen a labyrinth before (I guess I just think of the one in Harry Potter or in Pan's Labyrinth) and I learned that the difference between a maze and a labyrinth is that a maze has dead ends, whereas a labyrinth is one long, windy, path that always leads to the center. The professor then talked about how our life, especially right now, was kind of like a labyrinth. When we walk through the labyrinth, we think that we are going through a lot of twists and turns, but in the end, we always end up at the center. Similarly in med school, or in whatever stage of life someone is at, we think that we will NEVER reach the end goal because we're faced with so many different obstacles and what we think are dead ends. The reality is that we always end up reaching the "center" whether that is reaching our goals, getting a job, or finishing med school and finally becoming a physician. It requires one to look at the bigger picture though and have a better perspective.

When I took this photo from above, I was able to clearly trace the path from the beginning (outside) to the center. But I can imagine that if I were actually walking this path, the center/end would have seemed so far away and impossible to reach. It's just another reminder that of how important it is to take a step back and see the bigger pictures.