Not 18 anymore (unfortunately)

For some reason, there are moments when I still think that I'm 18. Perhaps it goes along with my stubbornness (I think this might be my biggest flaw and a trait I need to work on) because I seem to have convinced myself that I can stay 18 forever, and then realize that in a couple of months, I will be 24 (dreading my birthday already).

I am writing about this because a couple of days ago, I injured my shoulder from either the gym and playing volleyball (yes, contrary to popular belief, injuries are pretty common in volleyball haha). Despite this injury, and the excruciating pain that has accompanied it, I forced myself to go to the gym and work around it. I guess it's pretty hard to do that when I need to use my shoulder to lift any kind of weight. If I was a normal person, I would probably have gone to the doctor by now and checked to see if it's alright or if I actually damaged something important....but ironically I hate going to the doctor's office so I've been hoping it heals on its own. I guess I keep thinking back to high school when I would injure something, and since it would heal quickly, I would just ignore the pain. But it seems like I can't do that anymore because my body doesn't seem to heal as quickly. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go to the doctor's but I think if the pain persists for a couple more days, the best thing would be for me to go.

Another incident that has led to my realization of my age: Last weekend I went to visit my high school because one of my teachers/deans/coach retired last year and there was a ceremony to have the gymnasium named after her. It was really great to see a couple of my classmates, and the teachers who surprisingly remembered me (or perhaps it's not that surprising because I was sort of a teacher's pet haha). It was then though when I realized that, wow, it's actually been six years since I've graduated high school and I'm really not young anymore (relatively speaking I guess). This is definitely a difficult topic for me because of my fear/uncomfortable feeling towards aging. It also doesn't help that I will probably not make a decent living until I'm well into my 30s, so I don't really feel like an adult yet. I hope one day though that I am able to fully accept the concept of aging and death. Until then, I guess I'll continue to convince myself that I'm an 18 year old stuck in an (almost) 24 year old body.

The Labryinth

For one of our "how to be a good doctor" courses, we have to choose from about 10 different selectives that we can take. They range from learning about health insurance, to laws involved with healthcare, and to my class, which deals with spirituality in healthcare. It's a pretty laid back class, and we meet every week just to discuss how we may encounter the topic of spirituality when it comes to our patients, and how we can and should deal with these issues. The class is led by a priest who also has a PhD and is the director of the bigger "how to be a good doctor" course.

This past week, our class of ~9 students and our professor went on an outdoor walk. The point of the walk was to just appreciate nature's beauty and to take our minds off of schoolwork (which was difficult considering this past week and the following weeks are going to be insane). At this park we went to, there was a labryinth. I've never actually seen a labyrinth before (I guess I just think of the one in Harry Potter or in Pan's Labyrinth) and I learned that the difference between a maze and a labyrinth is that a maze has dead ends, whereas a labyrinth is one long, windy, path that always leads to the center. The professor then talked about how our life, especially right now, was kind of like a labyrinth. When we walk through the labyrinth, we think that we are going through a lot of twists and turns, but in the end, we always end up at the center. Similarly in med school, or in whatever stage of life someone is at, we think that we will NEVER reach the end goal because we're faced with so many different obstacles and what we think are dead ends. The reality is that we always end up reaching the "center" whether that is reaching our goals, getting a job, or finishing med school and finally becoming a physician. It requires one to look at the bigger picture though and have a better perspective.

When I took this photo from above, I was able to clearly trace the path from the beginning (outside) to the center. But I can imagine that if I were actually walking this path, the center/end would have seemed so far away and impossible to reach. It's just another reminder that of how important it is to take a step back and see the bigger pictures.

Halfway Through

I can't believe spring break is already half over. I guess I lost a day by coming to Korea (flight + time difference) but it still feels like it's flown by.
I do need some time to reflect on my trip so far and hopefully writing it down will help.
So far, I've been spending a lot of time with family. The day I arrived, my entire mom's side gathered together for dinner. It was actually the first time in my life that we (all my cousins, aunts and uncles) got together at one place, which was a good feeling. I haven't seen some of these people since I was in the 6th grade...so I guess 12 years ago? Damn time flies. They were all commenting on how I don't look like a boy anymore (I guess that means I look old now haha) and how they were all surprised by much more proficient in Korean I became (when I was younger, I only knew simple phrases).
While interacting with my family, I couldn't stop thinking about how different my life would be if my family had never immigrated to the states. Would I still be in med school? Would I be able to accept my true identity and come out? I think about these for a couple of reasons. Everyone in my family, even my cousins who work now, lead very humble lives. Most of them didn't get to go to college, and don't have jobs that pay too well. It's not that my family members aren't smart enough, but most of them didn't have time to study so that they could support each other. High school here is also extremely cutthroat, so if you weren't the best of the best, you didn't really stand a chance of going to a worthwhile college. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm able to come back to Korea while having a stable job as a physician (hopefully) and be able to buy my family members things.
I also have yet to see a single gay couple here. Maybe I'm hanging out in the wrong/conservative areas but I think Koreans in general aren't too receptive of gays here so...everyone's just in the closet. It's also extremely difficult to tell if anyone is gay because all the guys here dress very...metrosexually? Everyone wears super super tight skinny jeans and have handbags. Maybe in a decade Koreans will get more open minded.
Finally, spending time in Korea has made me realize just how lonely I am and just how much I want a boyfriend. When I visited jeju island for the past 3 days, all I noticed around me were couples. Couples in Korea are also super super pda-advocates. Everyone wears matching clothes and try to do cutesy things in public. I'm not the biggest fan of PDA but I would like to do some things with my boyfriend in the future.

Back to the Motherland

My spring break starts on Friday, but since there aren't any mandatory classes (I've stopped going to non-mandatory classes last year haha) I've decided to start my spring break early. The destination this year...Korea. I haven't visited since I was 18 (~5 years ago?) so I'm excited to go back. Even though I'm only going to be there for 9-10 days, I'm still looking forward to it. It's a family vacation because it's my grandmother's 80th birthday, so I don't expect to do any fun nightlife stuff, but I am looking forward to the relaxation (even though I have finals again when I get back) and allll the good food. I do wish I could explore the gay scene in Korea (but then again, I haven't even explored the gay scene in NY) but I don't think it would be such a good idea since I don't really know anyone in Korea and my family (other than my sister) does not know about my sexuality. Here's to my last vacation before intense boards studying begins!

Making time to workout

Yea, I know I look like a tool.

Throughout high school, I was an incredibly scrawny kid. I always wanted to gain muscle, but I wasn't too good about weight training, and was ~125 pounds throughout all four years. I spent most of my year training for and playing volleyball or running, so I guess it didn't help me to bulk up either. The summer after high school, I was determined to put on some muscle mass. My two best friends from hs were already pretty bulky so they went to the gym with me and we would train for 2-3 hours everyday during the summer.
In college, I definitely had a harder time working out, but I still made time. I gave into the whole protein powder thing, and tried to eat healthy (or as healthy as a college student can). I was able to gain a lot of weight though and was around 150.
In med school, despite the lack of time, I would always make time to go to the gym. I try to go 5-6 times a week and am still trying to bulk up (currently around 155). I'm definitely not in the best shape compared to other guys my age, but I'm definitely not ashamed of my body.

Anyways, this brings me to the main reason for my post, the frustration I feel towards people who don't take care of their bodies. It's not my place to judge, but as a future physician, I think it's incredibly important to be able to talk to patients about how to better take care of their bodies. It is not just a coincidence that Americans have the highest rate of obesity, and the second highest rate of being overweight. We live in a society that promotes living high paced lifestyles, leading us to eat fast foods, and skip exercise time. We become so complacent with our lifestyles, that we become unwilling to make changes. Instead of sitting in the house watching tv for an hour, that hour can be spent walking/running outside or going to the gym.
We are so concerned about the cost of healthcare, yet we are unwilling to make some changes in our lifestyles that can prevent the diseases that lead to hospital admissions. I understand that some people can't exercise because of other health reasons (joint pains, pulmonary issues) but I think a majority of Americans are just lazy.
(I'm sorry if this post was just me ranting, but it's because I really do care about the issue and it really saddens me when I see patients in the hospital who are unwilling to make simple changes in their lifestyles that can improve their health dramatically).

Match Day!

So today is Match Day! At noon, all the fourth years found out where they will be doing their residencies for the next couple of years. It's basically the one day that everyone in med school (including myself) looks forward to because it is the time when all the hard work during school pays off. Even though my own match day is still two years away (cannot wait!) it was still exciting to see the fourth years and their families celebrate. There were some amazing matches: plastics at ucsf, peds at children's hospital in penn, a lot of yale, etc. It also got me a littleee worried because looking at the list, I also saw that a lot of people ended up at stony brook or nearby hospitals. I mean I think it's fine if people wanted to end up here, but I know for a fact that I cannot stay at stony brook or near here for residency. I just need some city life. So I guess when the time comes, I know I won't apply or rank residencies at places I really don't want; I'd rather take a year off and increase my chances for the following year. I guess I should start working a lot harder to get where I want to be in the future.
Anyways, congrats to the class of 2012!!

Excited for next year!

Even though I still have 2 more months of second year left, and an 8 hour exam to take in June (ahh), I am definitely looking forward to next year (third year). We received our rotation schedules for next year and I got the exact order I wanted: pediatrics, internal medicine (with ambulatory), electives (hopefully anesthesiology and emergency medicine), surgery, psychiatry, neurology, and ob/gyn. I'll also be living at home (or close to home) which will be the first time since high school to do so. I was able to get most of my sites at hospitals near my house back home, and I figured it would be a nice way to save money (i can take out less loans now). I just hope I don't butt heads with my parents too much, but I figure I'll be in the hospital 10-12 hours everyday so I'll rarely see them anyways.

It does still scare me that I have no idea what specialty I want to go into, but I hear everyone figures it out in third year, and I guess I have a general sense of what interests me. I do know I will not be going into peds, ob/gyn (which is why i am starting and ending third year with them), and psych, but the other specialties still interest me.

I'm also hoping living at home, closer to the city, will be able to spark my dating life. It is seriously so difficult to meet anyone out here in LI, and even though I'll be busy with third year, it's nice to know that I'll be able to meet more guys in the city (well I'm hoping I'll be able to anyways).

But yea, I am getting ahead of myself, and I still have the boards exams to take (and hopefully rock, although the idea of failing scares me everyday).